dystopian dreamland

Solace and Solitude

2010-09-01T12:33:00.004+08:00

It’s been 3 years since I’ve written on this blog.

Reviewing some of the things I’d written (back when I had both the time and desire), the feeling is bittersweet – a little depression because it seems I haven’t progressed much over the years and a bit of comfort in that I still possess much of the same hopes, dreams and beliefs.

I look back, tune into the present, and the reality that confronts me does little to encourage: I am still very much ALONE.

The independence so highly sought and prized during my younger years remains just that. INDEPENDENCE. Except that today, its value to me has diminished and, rather than seeking it, it’s become something I’d most gladly give up.

Wow. I didn’t think writing this (admitting the above) would be so painful.

I find myself at a season in my life when it seems like I have everything I’ve ever wanted – and yet something is clearly missing.

Of late, I’ve been asking myself why I yearn to be pursued and loved. After all, isn’t God enough? Shouldn’t His love for me be enough?

I’ve come to believe that nothing in this world can fulfill me but God. I love and adore Him and incontestably the feeling is more than mutual, but still there is a silent, painful tugging in my heart that just seems to intensify and come at more frequent intervals.

During this morning’s drive to work, I again felt the tug. I wanted to dismiss it. Set it aside. Not deal with it. Run away from the thought. But it would not be ignored.

Lord, I’m only HUMAN!

I love You and adore You. My life is Yours. But I also know that LIFE IS MEANT TO BE SHARED.

I miss having someone to talk to about what kind of day I’ve had. I miss talking about silly things and having extended conversations on the geekiest of topics. I miss just staying in on a rainy day, and doing nothing. I miss being hugged. I miss being taken care of. I miss being surprised. I even miss having stupid arguments and making apologies. I miss making mistakes and taking the pains to mend them.

I miss having someone in my life – someone who knows and notices every single thing about me but loves and accepts me just the same.

I miss being special to someone.

I know that God thinks the world of me. I am, after all, the apple of His eye. And I know that I encounter Him through other people. Those are the hugs, the conversations, the surprises, the arguments that I get. But I still miss having to call someone “mine.”

Up until recently, I’d been happy and content being alone. Being single was never a problem. Why has that changed? Why do I suddenly feel so “incomplete?”

It’s not easy having to admit these things to myself, even having to write them down. It is humbling, unhinging, even a little scary. Whether I choose to acknowledge these feelings or not, they are there. The ache is real. And it is something I have to endure.

My consolation is this: God would never have put this desire in my heart if He never intended to fulfill it. Because I trust in my God, I can be confident that He will give me someone I can share my life with. I know He knows the anguish in my soul, that He sees every tear, and that He cries with me. The man whom God has prepared for me may not come today, tomorrow or anytime soon. And although I wish he’d come by sooner rather than later, by God’s grace, I am able to persevere.

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Lamentations 3: 28, 29, 31-33

“Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope… For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

Psalm 42:11

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God

10 Things I Hate About.. Well, NOT You. (I think! :p)

2007-10-03T13:34:00.000+08:00

What is a PET PEEVE?

Wikipedia defines it as: “a minor annoyance that can instill great frustration in an individual.”

I was reading a friend’s blog entry on the tragic traffic altercation that cost her cousin’s life. The incident happened at 2pm – all because some idiot with a gun couldn’t control his temper. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Yes, there have been scientific inquiries on the causes and effects of road rage but to DRAW YOUR GUN AND FIRE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE FRIGGIN’ KICKED YOUR CAR?! What is this world coming to?!

I am appalled.

Anyway, the incident got me thinking.. What are the top 10 things that drive me absolutely NUTS? This should serve as a fair warning to my friends (yes, I’m speaking to YOU!) the next time I flip out. (Don’t worry, I don’t own a gun. Bwahahaha!) Perhaps if we all were more “open” about the things that bug us, we can 1) Exercise better self-control, 2) Be more tolerant and considerate of others or 3) Run away (just kidding).

This is my Top 10 List of Annoyances. What’s in yours? ;)

1) People who DON’T reply.

Uh, hello. What exactly is so hard about ACKNOWLEDGING, nay ANSWERING a question!? I’m not asking for a dissertation. A simple “yes” or “no” would suffice. Yung mga “I’ll try..” na yan, I take as a BIG, FAT “NO.” Not answering is just plain rude. Besides, I don’t spam or send forwards. If I ask you something, it means I WANT (and EXPECT) an answer.

(Oh, no! Chiko’s turning into a mean, cranky little lady.. Everybody RUN. :P)

2) Stupid questions (and answers).

Fine, fine. Not everyone’s an Einstein. Pero hello naman. I once called the house looking for someone and the guy said “Andito” and subsequently hung up. ANO BA YAN!!!

I have a reputation for being masungit and mataray. I’m not going to deny that. But please, the next time something comes out of your mouth.. THINK naman. I’m confident that you’re a smart cookie. Really. :)

3) People who CAN’T decide.

Argh. Can you sense the frustration?!

Sometimes, I find myself having this deep appreciation of them “caveman” days.. When, to end an argument, the Neanderthal would just bonk the woman on the head and carry her home. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. If I don’t agree, I’ll say so.

(An appeal to the MEN: You are supposed to LEAD. And even if we’re into this whole Women’s Lib thingie, we APPRECIATE and RESPECT men with enough backbone to take charge. This is rare nowadays. Dare to be different!)

4) People with NO elevator etiquette.

Our office is in Medical Plaza – where the elevators take eons and eat people. It’s also where I encounter the RUDEST, most INCONSIDERATE set of people ever to exist. Let me ask.. What is so DIFFICULT about 1) Holding the elevator door open so people can get in? and 2) Stepping out of the elevator so people can get out? Apparently, for most people, this is tantamount to rocket science.

Around 2 weeks ago, I stepped out of the elevator to let a bunch of people out and.. the people who refused to budge inside let the door close on me! I had to wait a LOOOOONG time for another elevator to come up. Eep.

5) People who talk during movies.

I LOVE the cinema. I love watching movies. Sometimes, when I watch movies, my patience is tested. GREATLY.

Hey, I react. I laugh – REALLY loud. I even scream. But I NEVER initiate a conversation during a movie. It’s annoying. A joke or a side-comment is fine but anything that takes more than two sentences to say just takes your attention off the film for too long. And then it prompts you to do the same and bug another person because you got lost.

Have you ever had to sit through a movie and the person next to you keeps asking questions? “Uh, I haven’t seen this either. Now shut up.” (Of course, I say it nicely but that’s what I’m thinking.) How about sitting next to someone who gives a running commentary during the movie? Look, if I wanted the audio-commentary I will go and get me the DVD.

6) People who spit or pee in public places.

DISEASE, anyone? What gives?! I find blowing my nose in public disgusting enough but SPIT? Tapos I can tell pa if they have infections because of the color. KADIRI. Totally unhygienic. As for the peeing.. Obviously, it’s the men who do this. Talk about confidence. Hmph. Anyway, it’s plain gross. Can you just HOLD it? Do you know men can hold their pee for 2 hours while women can hold it in for 4? How long does it take to find a bathroom anyway? We are not in the wild (although sometimes it may seem like it).

7) People who don’t flush.

I don’t care how close we are or how long we’ve known each other. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANY FLUIDS THAT COME OUT OF YOUR BODY!!! I do not need to know if you’ve taken your prescribed dosage of Vitamin C today or if you are indeed a vegetarian. There is such a thing as COURTESY.

8) People who don’t obey traffic laws.

Yeah, ROAD RAGE! A couple of months ago I got into an accident because some idiot was driving too fast at an intersection. (No, the idiot was NOT me! :P) It pains me that we ALWAYS have to drive defensively because NOBODY follows the rules. Like, where else would anyone be scared to FOLLOW the traffic light for fear of getting into an accident?

9) Socks with sandals.

Hahahaha. Pet peeve nga eh. I know it’s silly to put, but sandals were meant to be worn without socks. I mean, really, what’s the point!?

10) People who wear sandals and don’t have clean toes.

This is plain beyond human decency. I’d personally prefer the socks on in cases such as these.

So there. Obviously, I’ve just had a bout of PMS. I don’t mean to offend anyone by posting this list and if I have, I do apologize. These are just my outspoken and unsolicited observations on the things that annoy me. Besides, ang pikon talo. ;) Again, this e-mail isn’t directed at anyone in particular. I do get around, you know. Hahaha! :P

Princess Leia Rocks. Yes, She Does.

2007-02-02T17:37:00.001+08:00

A few weeks ago, while trying to recover from a very eventful weekend, I found myself going home early on a Sunday for some much needed rest and relaxation, and apparently just in time to catch Return of the Jedi showing on Star Movies.

I just have to say: PRINCESS LEIA ROCKS.

Probably risking scorn from the hard-core Trilogy fans, I must say that seeing her hold her own in the company of more intense (and interesting) figures such as Han Solo and Anakin Skywalker, I realized for the first time just how much I wanted to BE LIKE HER. These are a few reasons why:

1) She’s a princess.

What little girl on earth doesn’t DREAM of being a princess? Whether by royal blood, adoption, or by simply claiming royalty, who doesn’t want to be the apple of someone’s eye? And with the flurry of kick-ass princesses cropping up (e.g. Princess Fiona from Shrek), who says fur and fluff are simply for the wimps?

2) She's a tough cookie.

Princess Leia not only helped lead the Rebel Alliance, she was key to many of its victories. It was through Leia that they were able to intercept plans for the original Death Star, and, if Luke was unsucessful in defeating Vader, would be the hope of the galaxy. Plus, did you see her whizz through the forest in Endor on the speeder alongside the Storm Troopers? If I remember correctly, it was Luke who jumped on her speeder. This girl can ride!

One of my favorite scenes in Return of the Jedi was in Jabba’s palace in Tatooine, where she poses as a bounty hunter in order to help rescue Han Solo from his fate as a carbonite wall display. Sigh. See? Even Han Solo needs rescuing sometimes.

She also proved that she could whoop big, mean and disgusting hiney when she strangled Jabba the Hutt with the very chains he bound her by. How’s that for "warrior princess?"

3) She's a babe.

Whether dressed in a highly unflattering white jumpsuit, slave bikini or fatigues, she still manages to come out beautiful and alluring. AND THAT’S NOT EASY.

4) She can carry herself with grace, even on a bad hair day.

There are days when I feel absolutely horrendous. Maybe my hair didn’t dry the right way, or I didn’t dry it at all. Hel-lo, labandera hair! Ever have one of them ugly days? Not Princess Leia though. She carries her cinammon-roll hair with pride. If only..

5) She can be vulnerable.

Forget for a moment that she’s a strong-willed, independent woman. She possesses vulnerability that, while more often masked and scarcely revealed, is evident nonetheless. Remember the scene in Endor, right after Luke tells her she’s his sister? A definite “Hold me!” instance. Don’t we all need that sometimes? To be held and told that everything’s going to be okay? No matter how strong and independent we seem to be, sometimes we need that – admittedly or not.

Another thing: while it’s clear that Princess Leia is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, she still manages to let her man LEAD. (Granted, what woman wouldn’t turn into jelly the minute someone plunks a Han Solo into their vicinity.. I know I would. Hehehe.)

Seriously though, I think it’s important for women to know when to stand their ground and know when to submit and back down. I personally have a hard time backing down. I like to win. I like to come across as tough (kahit kikay). But, see, women weren’t really created to dominate. We SHOULD let the men lead, even if the men themselves are the ones who are hesitant. Us BELIEVING in them, LETTING them take charge - that’s what’s important. Baby steps, diba? We learn to back down, they learn to step up. Things work out better that way. Really.

6) She snagged Han Solo.

Uh, he’s Harrison Ford - scruffy, brazen, and insensitive. Still, deep DEEP down, he’s a GOOD GUY. With good intentions. An unlikely hero who manages to come through at the end. Isn’t that what we hope for anyway? That our men will come through for us?

Not such a silly thing now, is it?

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“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

I AM a princess. ;)

sentimentally foolish

2007-02-02T17:37:00.000+08:00

I’m feeling a bit sentimental today.

I think it’s because I’m sleepy. Waking up at 5:30 isn’t exactly a daily practice, you know? Maybe it’s the travelling to Alabang and back, something I’m no longer used to. Ten years is enough. Haay. Or it could be the revival of my current Broadway fascination (JJ kasi!). Listening to music from The Last Five Years isn’t exactly hoppin’, ya know?

I remember trudging up the familiar steps of St. James the Great, my old sanctuary, where I spent many of my teen years – Antioch meetings, singing with Te Deum, and the gazillion weddings I’ve attended one way or another. There was a certain sense of comfort being there again, after so many years.

I used to think I’d get married in St. James. Hahaha. A far cry from what I envision now.

Do you ever get that feeling? Oddly at home and yet out of place at the same time?

Things are different. St. James is, and probably always will be, a beautiful structure. Despite all the golden embellishments and overly ornate fixtures, it was where I felt most like myself. Now, six years later, me being a little older (hopefully wiser), it leaves me feeling a little distant, detached. Yet I am still strangely drawn to the church, more likely than not because of the numerous memories tied to it.

Seeing my nephew during the confirmation ceremony, at his best behavior and sitting attentively in the pew across mine, I’m moved to tears. It's my (used to be) little nephew’s turn to make his own memories of that beautiful place, as did his parents. Like me. Like so many of us, who, at at one time or another, found solace within the confines of those walls.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Eep. That’s what happens when you listen to too much Mandy Patinkin.

Can We REALLY Just Be Friends (with a little wisdom gained from “When Harry Met Sally”)

2007-01-09T14:17:00.000+08:00

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP.

I’ve often teetered between believing and disbelieving that statement. In high school, I believed it was possible. In college.. Well THAT totally did a number on how I saw men and women. After college, it gets a little iffy.

Always having been “one-of-the-boys” despite being characteristically kikay, I’ve been blessed with a number of male friends. In fact, a majority of my friends are male. Maybe it’s because I like guy stuff. No idea why.

Sometimes my male friends get too comfortable around me it feels a little weird. Like they don’t even notice I’m a girl anymore and go all Fred Flintstone on me. My college and Alabang friends are like that. It’s a little flattering that they feel so at-home in my presence, although sometimes I really wish they weren’t. :P

Which brings me back to platonic relationships. Having been raised a little conservatively (kilay, go down!), I’ve always been careful in my friendships with the opposite gender. Why? Because the feminine heart is a delicate thing, and, if left unguarded, susceptible to undue attachment. There have been times when I’ve gotten so comfortable and felt so in-control of certain relationships when.. WHOOPS! Uh-oh. Then there are those relationships that just can’t go any further than how they are. That’s how things are meant to be, no matter how you try to turn them otherwise.

Lately, I’ve been putting aside a lot of my fears and anxieties and am again delving into the realm of platonic relationships. Of course, being a little skeptical about certain issues, I do wonder.. Is it really POSSIBLE?

Sometimes, men are just cowards. They can toy with your emotions and leave you dangling more convoluted than a yo-yo on steroids. But I choose to believe that the people who surround me are more mature than that, and that they know better than to “play” you. The world seems more hopeful that way, and it gives me a better outlook (if to some a little naïve, but I don’t care!) on life. A person’s true intentions will find itself revealed eventually. And the one who makes the pretense is the one who ends up looking foolish in the end.

One thing that encourages me: in church, the men are encouraged to lay down their intentions to a woman so there’s no ambiguity. So unless a man right up goes and tells you he’s attracted to you.. Well, there’s no room for second-guessing there. Whew.

Flash. Cue car scene from the Nora Ephron-penned flick, When Harry Met Sally.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

I used to have this weird “pseudo-feminist” phase, where I perceived most male behavior as chauvinistic and didn’t have to think twice about belittling their gender. I had NO hope in men, ZERO trust in their capacity for monogamy, and couldn’t understand their penchant for uncouth behavior. Chalk it up to warped relationships, I guess, but it used to be so difficult for me to have faith in anything possessing a Y chromosome.

Of course, all that has changed, and the things that used to annoy me so much about them actually seem to make them more endearing. (Thank you, John Eldredge, for enlightening me and helping to chastise my twisted beliefs!)

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Look, the fact is that men and women are DIFFERENT. We CAN’T expect them to be the same. Our guy friends are NOT our “girlfriends” (three snaps there!), and aren’t made to be our shopping buddies, chick-flick companions or PMS-rant absorbers. So quit complaining. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get along PERFECTLY FINE without sex (or sexual tension or what-have-you) getting in the way.

Because I, for one, am really starting to believe we can.

The possibility for a non-romantic relationship to exist between a man and a woman lies in having BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are there to guard us, to make sure the awkward, silly (and sometimes horrific) stuff doesn’t happen. Whenever I recall my so-called “platonic relationships” having gone awry, it was due to the lack (or non-existence) of boundaries. Spending too much time together, making yourself emotionally vulnerable, being in an environment conducive to romance.. Those are the things can spell trouble for a relationship that was never really meant to happen in the first place.

The polar opposite of which resulted in the complicated relationship between Harry Burns and Sally Albright. Ex-lover gets married. Crying, highly-emotional woman seeks comfort in male best friend who has a (gasp) tendency to get a little too close to women. It was bound to happen. She’s so vulnerable. And so is he!

There are a million-gazillion other alternatives for solace as opposed to running towards such a dangerous, highly volatile situation (think: the pint of Haagen-Dazs currently occupying your freezer). You don’t have to possess an understanding of rocket science to accurately derive what fuels the attraction between an emotionally available man and a devastated, vulnerable woman.

Admittedly, keeping boundaries is easier said than done. It helps to remember that the reason boundaries exist isn’t just to protect us from others, but also to protect us from ourselves. I, for a fact, know that I’m very affectionate. I keep having to remind myself that men and women are different and what may seem innocent enough an action to me may not merit the same interpretation from another person. It’s a work in progress, having to behave more ‘appropriately,’ but something I’ve really come to be conscious of.

So, yes, I’m convinced that platonic relationships are possible.. Not always easy but possible. After all, if a relationship really is worth keeping, what’s having to put in a little more effort?

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Especially for Reg.

I know you didn’t want to hear it, but this should explain things.. :P

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The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

Aww..

2006-12-20T16:18:00.000+08:00

To add to this whole marriage argument thing.. :)

High-quality marriages help to calm nerves
As published in: http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2006-12/uov-hmh121806.php
Public release date: 18-Dec-2006

A University of Virginia neuroscientist has found that women under stress who hold their husbands' hands show signs of immediate relief, which can clearly be seen on their brain scans. "This is the first study of the neurological reactions to human touch in a threatening situation, and the first study to measure how the brain facilitates the health-enhancing properties of close social relationships," says Dr. James A. Coan, author of the study, which is published in the December 2006 issue of the journal Psychological Science. Visit: http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x

Coan, an assistant professor in the U.Va. Neuroscience Graduate Program and the Department of Psychology, conducted a study involving several couples who rated themselves as highly satisfied with their marriages. Coan and colleagues designed a functional MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) study in which 16 married women were subjected to the threat of a very mild electric shock while they by turns held their husband's hand, the hand of a stranger (male) or no hand at all. The MRI was able to show how these women's brains responded to this handholding while in a threatening situation.

The results showed a large decrease in the brain response to threat as a function of spouse handholding, and a limited decrease in this response as a function of stranger handholding. Moreover, spouse handholding effects varied as a function of marital quality, with women in the very highest quality marriages benefiting from a very powerful decrease in threat-related brain activity, including a strong decrease in the emotional (affective) component of the brain’s pain processing circuits.

Coan is expanding his functional MRI studies in collaboration with the U.Va. Department of Radiology, to continue his exploration of the neuroscience of emotion and close social relationships.

Being Alone..

2006-12-11T13:39:00.000+08:00

WARNING: THIS IS QUITE A RANT.

I really dislike being branded as “single” or one of them “Singles.”

Okay. Fine. So I DO happen to be unattached.. But being labeled as such tends to give off the impression that I am waiting to be “coupled,” which, for the most part, can get a tad bit annoying. Especially if you really aren’t into that sort of thing for the time being.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with someone (you know who you are) on how it seems like everyone our age is “maturing,” getting engaged, married or having children, and how it feels a little awkward that one would prefer to remain solo..

I see couples around me forming right and left. Is it the season for romance? I thought that only happened during spring. Or summer (since we don't exactly have spring here!). Kind of makes you think of supermarket sales, especially when the products are nearing the expiration date. Maybe it’s age and maturity, or maybe it’s the fear of growing old alone. Either way, I am NOT encouraged.

I met up with my girlfriends twice last week. We spent the time both reminiscing and filling each other in, mostly about one another's relationships. I say this with pride: I AM THE LAST ONE STANDING. Defying convention, I revel in my solitary state. Hmmm.. I tend to wonder if I come off sounding deranged. It’s not as if I dream of turning into an “old maid,” a little old lady who keeps a creepy apartment along with the stereotypical 99 cats for company.

The more I spend time with my new friends (food trip!), the more I learn to appreciate the differences between the sexes. Plus, it’s a wonderful feeling knowing that there are no hidden agendas because I’m learning that, in a very anti-When Harry Met Sally kind of way, there CAN be such things as platonic relationships. :)

STILL, sometimes I get scared of giving off the wrong impression – I’ve been told I have the tendency to be too “malambing” and “naturally flirty” though I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I treat men and women the same way, which I shouldn’t because they’re not the same. I’m now finding it a tad bit uncomfortable hanging out with guys alone. Forget that we’ve been friends for ages, and there’s no attraction to speak of. It doesn’t matter. It still feels as if you’re sitting in a room with a pink elephant that nobody wants to acknowledge.

Okay. Mikey just said that if he didn’t know me so well, he’d think I was flirting with him. Waaahhh.. :(

If men go by the rule of “Unless a man lays down his intentions, a woman has no right to assume,” wouldn’t you agree that the same should be said about men who tend to THINK women like them just because they’re being friendly. I can say this with CERTAINTY because I know LOTS of friendly women out there.

Maybe I’m being defensive.. Or maybe I’m just tired of having my affections misconstrued. Fondness is not the same as liking; soft-spots don’t necessarily mean romance. Ugh. Maybe I just need to go back into “hermit-mode” and be alone for a while..

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“Being alone, there’s a certain dignity to it.” – from the Cameron Crowe movie, Singles

*Thanks to Puffy for that quote that’s been ingrained in my head.. ;)

here's a little mush..

2006-11-13T11:50:00.001+08:00

Today, I’m in denial.

I REFUSE to accept the weird things happening in this world. Mostly, I refuse to be saddened by the fact that 2 people who I hold very dear to my heart are moving on – because I know they’re going to better places, securing their destinies, and finding happiness outside where their happiness no longer seems to lie.

Instead, I CHOOSE LIFE. No.. I choose to LIVE.

More Henry David Thoreau than Trainspotting of course (Except that part about the hasty conclusion that we’re here on earth to glorify God – if that’s so, then I’m BUYING that conclusion! I believe, wholeheartedly, that we ARE here for that reason and that reason alone. Read Psalm 115!).. My angst-ridden days are over, after all! As opposed to my former self, I’m now left wondering what exactly IS so bad about having a job, career, and family? :P Security isn’t bad at all, neither is an IKEA-catalogue lifestyle. And children aren’t monsters, although they CAN reveal how monster-like we “grown-ups” can be..

I WILL NOT feel sad, stressed or sick. Instead, today I choose to "live deliberately" and “suck out all the marrow of life,” and open myself to the myriad of possibilities awaiting me. All things are possible to those who believe, diba? ;)

Because today I choose to fall.. and perhaps, in doing so, discover that I can FLY..

:)

2006-11-06T16:29:00.000+08:00

I just love it when God proves me wrong.

I love how He can dispel all my assumptions, exceed all my expectations, and just show me how much greater life can be when He is in control.

I love how He’s never broken a promise, how He’s never too early or too late, that He’s forever on time, and that He always makes me appreciate how things unfold in my life sooner or later.

I love how He speaks to me in the most unexpected of ways, whether it’s through a complete stranger or someone familiar, never tiring of romancing me, or telling me that He’s all I need.

I love how He’s always asking me to seek Him, and that He’s always there to be found – no matter how busy I get or how stressful life can be.

I love how, in His eyes, I will always be a princess and that I deserve no less than the utmost care and respect.

Most of all, I love how He gives me HOPE.. In people, in circumstances, in everything.. Because I know that if I just trust in Him, things will never go wrong, no matter how bleak or discouraging things turn out sometimes. Because I know He LOVES me infinitely more than my mind can comprehend..

Channeling Beatrice

2006-11-02T15:27:00.000+08:00

I decided to have my quiet time during lunch today, reading a chapter from Elisabeth Eliott’s Keep A Quiet Heart (the one on Waiting), and contemplating on a question that’s been in my heart for a while now.. A question I am afraid to confront, but one that must be dealt with nonetheless.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
-Psalm 27:14

God answered me today, and it’s funny how simple the answer is: TRUST ME.

I got home late last night from 3 gatherings, the last of which left me tired and feeling a bit uneasy about myself.. It’s sometimes difficult to see yourself through the eyes of friends who’ve known you for so long, those who know you inside-out, even the things you don’t really care to admit. Yes, you can laugh about your past because that is no longer the person who you are.. And your friends will constantly remind you of how far you’ve come. Question is, how do you reconcile who you are as yourself now with the person whom they enjoyed being with back then? Simply: You CAN’T. Be who you are and stand your ground, and believe that in the long run they will respect you for it.

Last night’s Cena/Bizu was an “update” of sorts for “the mares” – one of those rare occasions wherein we got a chance to share to one another things we missed experiencing together (whether love life, career, or whatever). My company seemed a little disappointing to them as I hardly had anything to share. :) Allotte actually said “Mare, you don’t share anymore.. You used to share even your crushes with us!” That’s true.. But I really had nothing to share. To say “I’m very happy” just won’t cut it anymore. Saying “I’m at peace” is true but would be unappreciated. And my love life? Just something they wouldn’t be able to understand.

Someone once told me he had to end our relationship because I was “hindering him from God.” During that time, I found it so WEIRD. But now I SO GET IT. And I even find myself saying “I have to rid myself of that distraction!” quite a bit. Statements like that merit smirks, scoffs, and giggles where I’m at, and I usually have a hard time explaining decisions like those to the people around me. Still, it’s a “heart decision” and I couldn’t really care any less what people think of me!

This afternoon, when I was reading Elisabeth Eliott’s entry on Waiting, I couldn’t help but say “Omigosh! I’m so NOT patient pala! I ALWAYS have to be in control.” Then I realized that being like that, wanting to be in control all the time, is just plain mistrusting God. Because wanting to be in control means I don’t believe He can give me my heart’s desires, only I can. Like I’M the one who created the universe. Yeah, right.. How overly cocky of me to think that I would know what’s best for me. That’s why my patience is a work in progress. God keeps testing me because it’s something I have yet to learn.. Again and again and again.

I am BY NO MEANS a very patient person. Oh, I CAN be patient.. but I do tend to get ahead of myself most of the time. Simple things like waiting for pictures to upload on Multiply (F5 again.. O diba? I’m so impatient I already know the refresh shortcut!), waiting for my window wipers to work, or (darn it) even when it comes to the men in my life. Diba, Reg? ;) I’ve NEVER given them the opportunity to come through for me simply because I take things into my own hands, believing that I don’t need anyone or anything from anyone.. I am Beatrice. I don’t need rescuing, even if I desperately need it!

Stand I condemn'd for pride and scorn so much?
Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu!
No glory lives behind the back of such.
- Act III, Scene I

Now why did I say all that? I have ABSOLUTELY no idea.

Oh, yeah.. Because it has something to do with WAITING, and how this means I’m totally surrendering my hopes and dreams to my Maker, and that everyday He asks me to be patient and wait on Him, because He knows EXACTLY what He’s doing, and I’m NOT to precede Him for anything.

So.. that’s it. I NEED to TRUST GOD and just believe that whatever He gives or doesn’t give me, whatever He chooses to work in my life, is what’s BEST.. Whether I understand it now or not.

In Defense of Marriage

2006-10-18T01:28:00.000+08:00

There are some days when the idea of marriage becomes so appalling that I find myself running as far away from it as much as I can. Then there are days when I embrace the idea, welcome it with more than just open arms, and revel at the thought of growing old with someone.

After reading a short article I saw on Yahoo!, I suddenly find myself defending marriage.

An excerpt:

FOR THE FIRST TIME, UNMARRIED HOUSEHOLDS REIGN IN US
Maxim Kniazkov (AFP)
Sun Oct 15, 1:02 PM ET

It is by no means dead, but for the first time, a new survey has shown that traditional marriage has ceased to be the preferred living arrangement in the majority of US households.

The shift, reported by the US Census Bureau in its 2005 American Community Survey, could herald a sea change in every facet of American life -- from family law to national politics and its current emphasis on family values.

The findings, which were released in August but largely escaped public attention until now because of the large volume of data, indicated that marriage did not figure in nearly 55.8 million American family households, or 50.2 percent.

More than 14 million of them were headed by single women, another five million by single men, while 36.7 million belonged to a category described as "non-family households," a term that experts said referred primarily to gay or heterosexual couples cohabiting out of formal wedlock.

In addition, there were more than 30 million unmarried men and women living alone, who are not categorized as families, the Census Bureau reported.

By comparison, the number of traditional households with married couples at their core stood at slightly more than 55.2 million, or 49.8 percent of the total.

I am disturbed and disheartened by these findings.. Not because I think highly enough of myself to preach and prod into the social relevance of a nation where dysfunction has become the norm (Hello, I’m not THE dystopian dreamgirl for nothing!), but because I know, whether we choose to admit it to ourselves or not, a majority of us still DESIRE marriage. No, there is no such thing as an ideal marriage, I think, and we greatly delude ourselves into thinking it should be perfect and without effort, but the desire has been set in our hearts from the very beginning. And what is so wrong about desiring something so beautiful, something so natural? Nothing at all!

At the moment, I find myself living “fabulously single.” This is a life choice, one most people will tell you I am quite reluctant to give up, and I seriously think I have “another good year left” before I even truly consider settling down. (Hahaha! As if it were my choice to make.. When you’re destined, you’re destined diba? :P) Some days, though, when I sit still long enough and focus and think about my future, I DREAM of marriage. :)

A few of years ago, I read a beautiful short story by Jeffrey Archer called “Old Love.” In a nutshell, it was about 2 rival academics who, amidst all their arguing, discovered they had a great love for each other that was often misunderstood – save for the two of them – and that love endured till the very end. See? That’s what I want. I don’t want “perfect love.” God’s already given me that. :) I want “old love,” where I know my future husband and I will have many arguments, go through fights, and endure trials, but that doesn’t mean we’ll give up. We will learn from our mistakes, grow from them even, and just enjoy the intricacies and difficulties of our relationship. Love, after all, as 1 Corinthians 13 put it, “..always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..” Whymwham. :)

Many people, myself included, have shuddered at the idea of marriage simply because there have been so many “bad records” of it. (I mean, if BARBIE dumped KEN on Valentine’s Day.. Come on, what about the rest of us non-plastic people without dream houses and pink cars and ponies and castles?! :P) Seriously though, just because many marriages fail it shouldn’t scare us into giving up on the idea completely. People who have these so-called “trial marriages,” i.e. living together.. At the end of the day, even they want to be ASKED. Maybe not go through the whole shebang, but to be asked at least. (Trust me, I know quite a few!) Why even “try” it if you don’t want to go through it? Because of the POSSIBILITY that, maybe this time, this may be the one. Maybe this time, marriage is possible. Maybe this time, they are meant to be together.

The article on Yahoo! has caused me to think about this: If people didn’t want marriage or any semblance of it, why couple together? Maybe they’re scared to try? To commit? I don’t know! I do admire some people who’ve gone through bad marriages.. Why? Because even if they aren’t together anymore (for whatever reason), they were brave enough to even try. They were unafraid of the finality of marriage; they were gutsy enough to want it.

I wish I could scream to the rest of the world: DON’T GIVE UP!!! Even if marriage isn’t something they'd want to think about for now, I’m still praying that people won’t keep themselves from desiring it. No matter how angsty, jaded or badly burned they’ve been, I wish with all my heart they wouldn’t settle for anything less than what they really truly DESERVE. I’m still hopeful that they won’t settle for a very minute part of what is, in its entirety, a BEAUTIFUL and FULFILLING EXPERIENCE.

*sigh*

sweet surrender..

2006-10-09T07:32:00.000+08:00

For the first time in quite a while, I attended service alone. It was a good thing – a refreshing experience, somewhat something of a revelation even. :) You see, the past few weeks had me running around headless and distracted..

Last night, sitting alone in my favorite area (near the stage but not directly in front, close enough to see the screen and near the TV just so I wouldn’t have to squint), it was so liberating to have that kind of focus.. No distractions. :)

I needed that time, by myself, to REALLY listen to what God had to say. After the service, it became clear. All the while I’ve been running around headless and lost, He’s been waving every flag and doing every song and dance number imaginable to call my attention: FOCUS ON ME!!

I realized that I wouldn’t have been such a mess if I had just been STILL and focused on Him. But you see, hyperactive little girls (or perhaps the more apt ‘energetic young ladies’) like me find it hard to do just that. It’s like I keep telling God “I surrender.. But not really. Can I keep this part?” No, none of that anymore..

One thing I am resolved to do is to get rid of one MAJOR distraction, one that is too personal to write in this blog entry. ;) Hahaha! Think of it this way: I am more affected by this that I’ve ever cared to admit. Silly girl! As if naman God didn’t already know heart, my thoughts. He knew them before I did. And now I surrender that distraction to Him as well.

My favorite psalm says it all: “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely..” (Psalm139:1-4) Eep. What on earth was I thinking?!

So here’s to saying “goodnight and go!” Here’s to purifying my heart, and letting God take control..

-------------------------------------------------
“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”
-Psalm73:25

je suis desole..

2006-10-02T15:16:00.000+08:00

“If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended.. Gentles, do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will mend..”

- A Midsummer Night’s Dream

I would be remiss if I didn’t apologize to everyone for having a “bad” day.

Yesterday had me become something of an “emotional chiaroscuro” – a dramatic mess in light and shade. I had been teetering on the verge of a breakdown nearly all of last week, the inconvenience of the storm and all its repercussions refusing to make my week any better. And, while Sundays usually are my solace, the quiet had made me vulnerable to the sudden crash of negative emotions I refused to deal with.

In other words, I cracked.

Understand this: I don’t deal with stress very well. Hmm.. An understatement. Either one of two things occurs: I become deathly quiet or I go overly dramatic. Neither is pretty. As a personal rule, I rarely open up about what bothers me (When it comes to things that I feel are really important, that is.. The “babaw” things I broadcast!). I tend to keep my guard up about the things that really REALLY bother me, and I carefully select who I open up to. Be flattered nalang if ever I share something with you one day. :)

Anyway, halfway through music practice, IT JUST HIT ME. The stress. The decisions I had to make. My lack of direction. My inadequacies. My fears. Somewhere in the middle of practicing “All Around” I just snapped. Not in a Michael Douglas “Falling Down” kind of way, it was more of the creepy, snappy, impatient “Just leave me alone!” sort. Wendy was kind enough to pray for me before the service, and Jose was a comfort to lean on, and by the time worship had begun, I felt much MUCH better (redundancy added for emphasis!).

The funny thing about being cranky is that you don’t always know it when you are. I thank God that He blessed Marj and Diane with the patience to put up with me all throughout the day..

I’m writing this now because I feel horrible knowing that I was, well, horrible, to two people who were really nice to me and I think I repaid their kindness with.. something not so kind. Unintentionally, yes, but I was still being a pain in the “hiney.” And it may not even be a big deal to either of them, but the fact that I’m still thinking about it means that it means something to me..

When Wendy approached me after the 7pm service apologizing because she felt she offended me, I was taken aback. Was I that cranky that I gave such a impression so as to make her feel she did something to offend? In truth, she was a blessing to me and I just felt so awful that I made her feel that way. I had to explain that she had NOTHING to do with my disposition that day, and that I just had a terrible, trying, testing week.

Then there’s that little silly “fire escape” incident. Let’s just say I got stuck for a while and, since I do get a little claustrophobic at times, I panicked. (Not to mention the fact that nobody knew where I was and I was quite sure that no one would come looking for me.) I think at that moment all my stress got focused on Jose, who was decent enough to actually try and get me out. I don’t think I made it any better by telling him “You tried to KILL me!” now, did it? That’s a lesson in taming the tongue right there for you.. Forget that your friend actually DID try to help you and instead berate him for being there..

It kills me that I’ve been taking out my frustrations on people who have ZERO to do with why I've been feeling awful.. And there isn’t anything I can do to make up for it, all I can do is say “I’m sorry” and I’ve done that already.

So why do I still feel so bad?

-------------------------------
You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.

- Sara Groves, You Cannot Lose My Love

2006-09-15T12:19:00.000+08:00

The Object of my Kasungitan. Poor Quarkipoo.. See? The poor boy actually looks scared to be in the same shot for fear his head will be bitten off. :P

darn.. it comes in hot pink!

2006-09-13T08:52:00.000+08:00

I am by no mean a technojunkie, though I'll admit I'm a bit of a gadget girl.

Eep. Steve Jobs just unveiled the newest batch of iPod upgrades - and the new aluminum-cased, 8GB Nano comes in HOT PINK!!! Waaaaah...

Now, everyone knows I'm a big fan of Macs. (Go MacBook. Ha!) But I absolutely DETEST having to carry multiple gadgets, which is why I've held off buying an iPod for ages.

But it's in HOT PINK. And it doesn't look like it'll break if you drop it.. Argh..

Dilemma, dilemma.. Multiple gadgets, hot pink Nano.. Grrr..

2006-09-12T12:32:00.000+08:00

The writer (and cinephile) in me was compelled to post this hilarious article I read in LATimes.com on "God's Top 10 Movie Messages to the World."

Now, I do have a sense of humor and have profound respect for people who express wit so eloquently (David Sedaris, for one) but I will make a disclaimer just the same. I DO NOT condone the thoughts of this writer any more than I took to heart the ideas in films like Dogma and Saved!, or theories as presented in books like The Da Vinci Code (or 'The Vinci Code' bwahahaha), although I will admit that I was very entertained by them. One thing I will agree on, however, is this:

(on screenwriters) "We change the world. We affect the way people think and how they act. We use our dreams and ideas to mold society."

Precisely why we should ‘tame the tongue,’ eh? ;) Words can be very powerful indeed and we must always be careful with the things we say (and, as I’ve learned the past week, even how we say them). :P

So.. I encourage you to take a break, and indulge in a little laughter today. It’ll be good for you. :)

___________________________________
Never Doubt the Power of the Screenwriter
September 10, 2006
By Hal Dresner
Hal Dresner is a screenwriter whose latest novel, "Nobody Sleeps Well in Casablanca," will be published next year.

I am proud to be a Hollywood screenwriter. Why? Well, not for the art or the money or the ability to have agents return my calls within weeks. No, it's because since the dawn of talkies, writers have always been the uncrowned kings of Hollywood, the secret titans of Tinseltown, the underground reel royalty.

I didn't always feel that way. Forty years ago, when I first came to L.A., I'd heard disparaging remarks about "schmucks with Underwoods" and jokes about the starlet so stupid that she slept with the screenwriter. But since then I've learned that's just backbiting from envious producers, jealous directors and impotent studio heads, all of whom wish they could do what we do.

And what is it that we do, besides grow hair, pace around a computer for a few hours, have lunch and watch movies?

We change the world. We affect the way people think and how they act. We use our dreams and ideas to mold society. And when you look back at it, it has always been that way.

Back in the '60s, we were proudly promoting social unrest. (And I was doing my part by writing a movie about a guy who leaves his wife and kids for his boss' wife.) In the '70s, we were subversively selling sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. (And I was in step with a hallucinatory horror film about a man turning into a snake.) In the '80s, we were almost solely responsible for more sex, crime and greed. (I was in the vanguard with a comedy about a homosexual bandit.) And in the '90s, when no one else was stepping forward, we were flooding screens with gratuitous violence. (And I was in sync with a spec script about a guy inciting domestic chaos by leaving his family.)

But those are only the contributions that you know about. Finally, it can be told that, for decades, we humble scribes have been using our skills in the service of a great cause: promoting God.

You're laughing, right? Writers are supposed to be agnostics or atheists, rebellious, independent thinkers who take the road less traveled—except if the other one leads to the open bar. That was just our cover. In reality, we have been part of a noble conspiracy to bring the Word of the Almighty to movie audiences everywhere. While you thought you were just enjoying mindless entertainment, you were, in truth, receiving The Truth.

So now, revealed for the first time, are God's Top 10 Movie Messages to the World, as channeled through the Writers Guild of America, West:

10. On His forgiveness: "Nobody's perfect."
9. On His unwillingness to condemn: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
8. On our lack of faith: "What we have here is failure to communicate."
7. On our ability to please Him: "Go ahead, make my day."
6. On the rumor that He was dead: "I'll be back."
5. On what we are doing to the planet: "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore."
4. On our denial of His power: "You can't handle the truth."
3. On our failure to pray with conviction: "You talking to me?"
2. On our persistent spiritual unconsciousness: "Snap out of it!"

Yes, for decades writers have been trying to help us forge a better relationship with The One. Unfortunately, up to now, we haven't been paying attention. But He isn't giving up on us. Rather, He sees each day as a new chance. Why just the other night on a late show, I heard Him say:

1. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

So producers, directors, studio heads, agents and starlets take note of this important tenet for the Hollywood Rulebook: Don't ever underestimate screenwriters. Because we have friends in very high places.

2006-09-05T12:18:00.000+08:00

the cutest little green guy around

things i learned from yoda

2006-09-05T07:41:00.000+08:00

When Marj texted me this morning one of my favorite Yoda quotes (ever), I knew I HAD to write something on the Star Wars trilogy – in particular, The Empire Strikes Back. Let me get this out of the way before they release the limited edition DVDs (this September, woohoo!), and maybe a few more people will be a little more “enthusiastic” about the Trilogy marathon I’ve been harping about. Hehe.

Now, because I’m a big fan of happy, sappy endings, The Empire Strikes Back isn’t my favorite film in the Trilogy. But can you imagine having Neapolitan ice cream without Vanilla, Chocolate, or Strawberry? Exactly. If not for The Empire Strikes Back, we would never learn of Yoda, Lando Calrissian, or even get to see Luke have his arm chopped off. ;)

And so, without further ado:

5 Lessons I Learned From Yoda

“Do or do not.. There is no try.”

A lot of us are content leading half-baked lives because we’re afraid of failing. There are times when I’m faced with a major decision and fear gets the better of me. Still, no regrets diba? It’s either you do it or you don’t, decide to take that jump and choose to fall. That’s the beauty of free will – that your decisions are your own. The point is, choices MUST be made.

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?”

It annoys me when people judge me because I’m, herm, “petite.” I suppose the reason why I’m a little defiant is because I want people to take me seriously. People automatically assume that because I’m small, all girlie-girl and bubbly I’m such a ditz. So I always try to break the stereotype by being competitive, strong, and self-reliant. This doesn’t always work to my advantage because then I become “an intimidating scary little girl,” a deranged Little Red Riding Hood of sorts. I suppose this all points to a deeper insecurity that I need to get over, one that really requires the grace of God, especially since the only opinion that really matters is His and not of those around me.

Luke: What’s in there?
Yoda: Only what you take with you.

Baggage.

I remember being so affected by last Sunday’s lesson on Faithfulness, especially when Pastor Joey started talking about how some men will promise you the sun, moon and stars.. Ouch. I suppose my recent “anxiety attacks” only serve to validate my fear of vulnerability, of being susceptible to hurt. :P Everyday, my struggle is to acknowledge that people can be trusted, relied upon, and that they can and WILL come through for you. To trust without abandon is a scary thing indeed, and that’s why you need faith. :)

Luke: Is the Dark Side stronger?
Yoda: No no no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.

It takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, a lot of will-power and self-control to do the things you’re supposed (and ought not) to do. That’s why “Do or do not.. There is no try” diba? It’s so much easier to leave your heart unguarded, be crazy and reckless with your life, and enjoy all these worldly pleasures without having to care who gets affected. This is about choices. The choice to live a good life, a “holy” life is never easy. No one is perfect, and do we every wonder why that is? Not because temptation is stronger than our will-power (that's why there's grace!) but because we usually go for “quick-fixes.” On the other hand, the satisfaction you get from making quicker, easier choices is usually more fleeting.

Luke: I can’t believe it!
Yoda: That is why you fail.

Sometimes, all it takes is FAITH. Anything is possible. Matthew 17:20 says “.. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." All we need do is BELIEVE.

That goes for X-Wings as well. ;)

life stories and the people who tell them

2006-09-04T07:52:00.000+08:00

Everybody has a story to tell.

I LOVE walking to work. Seriously. Yes, there are days when the trip becomes routine and unexciting, but it’s never boring.

I am an “observer.” Sometimes, I just like to watch people, watch them interact with others, and try to understand their “motivations.” It’s true that observance can be quite superficial, often tainted by subjectivity, and because a single fact can be interpreted in a million different ways. Still, don’t you ever wonder why the people who cross your path do the things they do? Dress a certain way, have that particular expression.. What about their pace? Everyday, I come across people who are hurriedly going up and down the steps, people who lazily chat with companions, call center kids converging in groups. I am amazed at the diversity of the people who co-exist within such a small geographic location and yet are virtually unaware of each others’ presence.

I remember watching this episode of Scrubs, where Zach Braff’s character was having a bad day. Whether he realized it or not, his “bad mood” actions spurred a ripple effect into the lives of people who didn’t seem the least bit connected to him. We act and we act, but do we ever really consider the weight of our actions – whether seemingly small and trivial or one with gargantuan implications? And this isn’t limited to the bad stuff we do either. Even the little kindnesses we do can have a great effect to the people who receive them. Whether it’s a (literal) pat on the back, a few kind words, or something as simple as a smile, all of them are integral to the life stories of those who surround us.

In film, there’s a term called Mis-En-Scene (or “what is put into a scene”) that explains how a particular setting can serve to add more depth and awareness to what the director or whomever is trying to convey. In a way, that also applies to the "setting" of our own lives. Human beings are relational, after all, and how we interact with our surroundings (whether people, places, objects.. you get the picture) affect our own “stories” in one way or another. What surrounds is isn’t merely a prop. We are where we meant to be at the moment, with the people we come across at this point in our lives, having what we have (and this means not having as well!) because these “scenes” in our stories of our lives serve to teach us something, and ultimately will reveal something about us to others (ourselves included).

Now, this isn’t at all about “judging.” And I’m not trying to be all “smarty-pants” about loosely substituting the words “judging” and “interpretation” either. All I’m saying is, well, SOMEONE’S ALWAYS WATCHING. :) Maybe not in the voyeuristic sense but someone will always be affected by the things we do, whether we choose to acknowledge that or not. Oh, and this isn’t about “pleasing other people” either! At the end of the day, how you live your life is your choice, and it’s really your story to tell. We are all accountable for our actions, after all. ;)

discovering the beauty of cross-posting, soundtrack to a beautiful day

2006-09-01T07:07:00.000+08:00

I have just discovered the beauty of cross-posting. ;)

Amazing how technology allows for more streamlined processes, yet at the same time also makes things more complicated. It also brings people closer together, while driving them apart. (Flashback: Sitting in comm class, listening to Mark Escaler's take on how technology separates us.. Really good stuff.)

But all that doesn't matter right now.. No more cluttered tabs, no more multiple log-ins. I can update everything from a single page. Woohoo!

--------------------------------------------
Today is a beautiful day.

I am sooo.. HYPER, so happy, so alive. I finally snapped out of my anxiety. Thank God. :) My enthusiasm is compounded by today's lovely soundtrack (or what we shall dub Music For A Deliriously Carefee Day):

R.E.M – Stand In The Place Where You Live
The Apples In Stereo – Better Days
Shonen Knife – I Wanna Be Sedated
The Lemonheads – Mrs. Robinson
Letters To Cleo – Here And Now
Leona Naess – I Tried To Rock You But You Only Would Roll
The Sundays – Here’s Where The Story Ends
Weezer - Uptown Girl
The Pixies – Where Is My Mind?
Richard Ashcroft – Come On People (We’re Making It Now)
Placebo – Every Me, Every You
Violent Femmes – Blister In The Sun
Iggy Pop - Lust For Life
Ben Folds Five - Philosophy

Goodbye, gloom.

i wonder what it's like to be an orphan..

2006-08-30T13:47:00.000+08:00

"THE WILL OF GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD WILL NOT PROTECT YOU."

I opened my e-mail this morning and read Don’s forwarded message. I don’t usually read forwards, and boy do I hate SPAM! But this wasn’t SPAM at all. It was a prayer, and a prayer I very much need right now.

It is difficult being the only “Christian” in your family.

I grew up in a traditional, conservative Catholic household. My parents, like their parents before them, were baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. It is a choice that has since been passed on to my brother and I, and in turn my nephews. My mother’s faith is quite admirable. Despite the many twists and turns of our widely unpredictable lives, she has remained rooted in her beliefs. I know I can never seek to change my mother.. But that doesn’t mean I’m not even going to bother trying. ;) My father, on the other hand, is more “progressive” in his beliefs. He believes religion is something personal between you and your God. Then again, tradition always gets the better of him.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been playing a vicious (and) religious tug-of-war with my parents. Although widely “liberal” when it comes to the life choices of their daughter, my decision for forgo the family “faith” in lieu of a more meaningful relationship with God is causing great conflict. It is hurtful to hear such "slander" from my own parents, and to have them look at you with contempt because you are not “perfect” and therefore have “no right” to consider yourself a Christian. (And if I were to revert back to my Catholic faith, would this give me license to be a worse person?)

I love my parents more than anything. I respect them and am grateful to everything they have done for me. But the fact is, I’m not a child any longer and that I am capable of making decisions on my own. If not now, when? They cannot keep living my life for me, nor can they condemn me for the mistakes I make. My decisions, my mistakes, are my own and I have none to blame but myself, and nothing to regret.

If there is anything I am to be thankful to God for this year, it was the restoration that He brought to my family. This past year has been the HAPPIEST in my life. I never felt more like part of a family, a family I would never trade for all the riches, comforts, and conveniences in the world. It saddens me that when all has been settled and healed, the very faith to which I accord this restoration to is now being attacked.

Do I not come visit when you ask? Do I not drop everything to be with you? Forget that I was unable to join you ONCE.. I try my best to make time for you. In all the years you’ve known me.. With my constant drive for independence, am I not most available to you NOW?

When I surrendered my life to God, I also gave my commitment to serve Him. I cannot, in good conscience, abandon that commitment at the drop of a hat just to please my parents. Not for something as trivial as lunch. And I did offer my Saturday and Monday to make up for not being able to spend time with them. I know that family is important, and that family matters, but I also know that GOD IS ABOVE ALL THINGS, family included.

This morning, I contemplated on returning the car. I still don’t know what to do about it. I know that what frustrates my parents more than anything is the fact that they can’t do anything about my decision. I am, after all, on my own. I don’t need their support, especially not their money. What I’m asking from my family isn’t anything superficial: love, understanding, acceptance. That’s all. I am not perfect, and I never will be, but with God’s grace I’m trying my best.

In my family, my father’s side especially, it is not unheard of to disown relatives because they changed religion. I knew that full well, and I am willing to accept the consequences of my decision. (Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. Psalm 27:10). The drift may be temporary, or permanent, but God’s got my back. :) I am confident that He’s teaching me something, equipping me for something I cannot yet understand.

Oh, well. This is an exciting time indeed.

____________________
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
-Psalm 27:4

watersprite/water-sprite

2006-08-29T10:44:00.000+08:00

During my sophomore year in high school, I remember watching the remake of Sabrina. I loved it SO MUCH, I dragged my parents to go see it again later in the evening. They were not impressed.

It’s been years since I last saw Sabrina, and yet the romance of the movie never fails to entrance me. Maybe it was her transformation, maybe it was the notion of finding love in the most unlikely of places. Or maybe it was the music. There’s also the John Milton poem she recites:

Sabrina fair
Listen where thou art sitting
Under the glassy, cool, translucent wave,
In twisted braids of lilies knitting
The loose train of thy amber-dropping hair;
Listen for dear honour's sake,
Goddess of the silver lake,
Listen and save.

I have always found the idea of a woman rescuing a man intriguing, pretty cool actually. Everyone knows we women are impatient. We also tend to take matters into our own hands. By nature, we are also nurturing – we have a natural instinct to care and protect those we love.

Gentle swain at thy request
I am here.

Do you ever notice how women tend to fall for “broken” men, men who need rescuing? Guys who are vulnerable, rebounding, sad? I remember watching an episode of House where the acerbic doctor quite frankly tells Cameron she wants to “fix” him because she sees him as damaged. The tendency is quite common. The sad thing is, after we have “mended,” nurtured, and cared for the object of our affection, many women are often left alone.

Sometimes, we tend to overdo it. This twisted sense of “bravado” is probably why lots of strong-willed women come across as ball-crushing, emasculating, and hella scary chicks. ;) “I don’t need anyone.” “I can take care of myself.” “Leave me alone.” Women are quick to rescue, but how open are we to BEING RESCUED?

Because the idea of coming through for another person seems so natural, we tend to forget that women often need rescuing as well. Why is the concept so difficult to grasp? There is nothing wrong with weakness, yet we look down on it as if it were the death of us.

SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY IT’S SO DIFFICULT TO JUST LET GO AND BE VULNERABLE?!?

So what happens when your broken object becomes “super-glued” and seems like new? We start to say things like.. “You’re no longer the person I fell in love with.. blah blah blah.” Uh, yeah.. To begin with, you didn’t even see him as a person. You saw him as a project. That’s separation anxiety, sweetie, not heartbreak. ;) This is the “water-sprite syndrome.” You think you’re drinking Sprite when you’re actually sipping water. It tastes funny, bland, and sooo not what you wanted.

I can’t begin to tell you how much of a perennial water-sprite victim I am. This is probably why I end up being friends with most of my “crushes.” Oh, these guys don’t disappoint me.. I just see them differently is all. I’m counting the guys I’ve crushed on in the last 10 years.. You know what? ALL of them are friends. Good ones, in fact.

I cannot wait for the day when I finally get to have my Sprite.

Thought for the Day:
“We can’t wait until we feel safe to love and invite.” - Captivating

joy for sadness

2006-08-24T11:42:00.000+08:00

“I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is my right hand, I will not be shaken.” (Psalm16:8)

How timely that the topic I chose for cell group last Tuesday was about JOY. Yes, I admit I’m struggling. I’m going through something and it saddens me. Sadness, however, is not detrimental to joy because in moments of sadness we allow others to come through for us, and in sadness God reminds us that He alone is our strength.

I woke up again at 3am this morning, tired and anxious. So I popped in my headphones and listened to Still (Hillsong) and my “love song” for God, That’s All:

I can only give you love that lasts forever,

And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all...

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time can never destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.

Music can really soothe the soul. When Chai Lattes from Coffee Bean and Baba from Bizu are unavailable, a good song will more than suffice. :) I could fall asleep to this song anytime. It really makes a beautiful lullaby – imagining God is singing to you, knowing that He speaks this to you and loves you that way ALL THE TIME!

Greater is He who is in me than he who is in this world. :) 1 John 4:4

2006-08-22T10:44:00.000+08:00

Tagaytay people (left to right): jose, joey, marj, moi, paul, jaybee, mayi, jas, chinkee, don :)

2006-08-22T10:40:00.000+08:00

this would be our 3rd attempt at being seated. we moved soon as the rain begain to pour.. :P

2006-08-22T10:39:00.000+08:00

Marj and her WAAAY CUTE nephew. For his birthday, he wished "Tita Marj would get a husband." How selfless is that?!? I wanted to take him home. His "what-ever" expression is too cute for words. And he sings! Maybe I should just wait for this kid to grow up. :P

2006-08-22T10:37:00.000+08:00

JayBee working his 'magic'.. on the crowd. ;)

2006-08-22T10:36:00.000+08:00

Paul and Don

2006-08-22T10:35:00.000+08:00

with Paul.. he gives the best hand massage. I fell asleep.zzzzz...

2006-08-22T10:34:00.000+08:00

JayBee.. His sleight of hand is amazing. How the heck does he do that?!?!

2006-08-22T10:33:00.000+08:00

crunch time..

2006-08-22T10:29:00.000+08:00

the boys' team giving zooma a go..

girls against boys ;)

2006-08-22T10:04:00.000+08:00

21 August 2006

I had really hoped that I would get to laze around in bed the whole day - today being a holiday and all, not to mention the fact I got home from Tagaytay at around 3:30am. But force of habit woke me up early. Despite being tired, I haven't felt this quite relaxed and refreshed in a looooong time.

Tagaytay had been my first "vacation" in almost a year.

Yep. Chiko-with-a-million-things-on-her-mind finally got to take a break! You'll never believe just how AWESOME it was.

Sunday started normal enough: woke up around 5:00, showered, dressed and headed to church.

Choir robe, check. Undershirt, check. Gown for the masquerade, check. Change of shoes, check. Change of clothes, check. Jacket, check. Cranium Turbo Edition, check.

Resisiting the desperate urge to pack a 'maleta,' I decided to stuff my clothes in a big paper bag instead because I knew, I REALLY KNEW, the boys (whoever ended up going) would get on my case if I brought a suitcase, no matter how tiny, to Tagaytay. Girls understand these things but men.. ;)

Marj had this brilliant idea - dinner in Tagaytay following the 5pm service as an outreach to people who were relatively new to church, in particular, a 'heartbroken' friend who needed to be surrounded by men of 'solid spiritual integrity.' :) After all, really, who wouldn't want to go to Tagaytay? Long weekend, hello!

The drive to Cliff House was freaky.. Marj saw a jeep fall into a ditch(?). When we slowed down and opened the window to see if they needed help, a loud and agry voice said "BUMALIK KAYO DITO!" Needless to say everyone was sufficiently freaked enough to drive away. In fairness, the boys were going to go down and help but there was something not quite right about the whole setup. Preaching pa talaga yesterday was on kindess, diba? Still, they were convinced something was fishy and you have to commend them for their insight and sense of safety. You gotta love these heroes. :)

What a interesting mix we were - Marj ('frustrated photographer'), Paul who really knows how to get around, Don (the newly hired strategic planner, naks), Jose (who listens to his iPod full blast for 8 hours a day.. tsk, tsk), JayBee - magician extraordinaire, Mayi the basketball-planning HR expert, Joey the 'celebrity' whom everyone seems to know, super tall and dainty Jas, we-thought-she-was-quiet-pero-di-pala Chinkee, and myself ('kikay for others', as Paul would say.. kainis! :P). Everyone was relatively a stranger to one another, save for the occasional fleeting introduction, and but we all left Tagaytay tired, sleepy and with new friendships built (as well as formidable gaming adversaries, ha!). Then again, if you don't become friends after 4 rounds of table-switching, endless rounds of the corniest knock-knock jokes, 80's music reminiscing and omigosh-I-can't-believe-you-did-that sleight of hand feats from JayBee.. ewan ko na!!

It's interesting to observe group dynamics in action, especially when it involves a highly-charged game such as Cranium. Yes. Boys versus girls. Can you feel the tension already!?

Sidenote: Now, there's nothing more I like refuting than a "ditzy" image. For example, people automatically assume there's little substance beneath my "kikay" exterior, so a game like Cranium is a great way to kill that stereotype. Those Data Head and Word Worm questions tend to get tricky after all. :)

It's funny because when I "challenged" Paul earlier in the car, I was kinda joking but sheer competitiveness won out eventually. What was frustrating for the boys, I think, was the fact they got stuck with all these girlie-girl questions which they couldn't answer while the girls got the more boy-oriented ones. You should have seen the smug looks on their faces when we got that Polygraph question on Michael Jordan! Or the question on original Batman TV villains. Or the one on LA Confidential. WOOHOO!! WOMEN ROCK!!

Oh, we TRIED to be nice.. and THAT effort failed. Miserably. :P No wonder the boys were getting frustrated!

It was really cute to see the boys' team sweat, squirm, and stress. Highlights were the Team Gnilleps where they had to spell 'sequin,' 'tiara' and 'rhinestone' backwards (hahaha), the Cameo where Jose had to be Little Red Riding Hood ("Headless Horseman!") and when Joey had to act out, during Club Cranium Cameo, the expression 'sitting pretty.' Hahahaha! They all were just so ADORABLE! In truth, they may have lost the game to us women but they won over our hearts. :)

Re-match, anyone?

on crying, haircuts and how everything's just.. "de-lovely"

2006-08-18T11:23:00.000+08:00

Just ended our staff meeting.

Before anything else, I need to explain that I NEVER CRY. I hate crying. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I used to have a problem with crying. Back during my “depression” days, it landed me a visit to the shrink because I had a hard time expressing myself. As in, if I were sad I’d smile. Happy, smile. Excited, smile. Miserable, smile. Think of smiling as my default expression. Nowadays, I just smile because the world is beautiful, life is beautiful, and because God is wonderful. :)

Why talk about crying? Well, this morning I woke up anxious. No idea why. I have no issues. Life has been so good. So I kept repeating the verse in my head – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will fill your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:16-18). Tama ba? I’m so weak at verses. I know them but it’s the verse number that gets me. ENLI class anyone? Anyway, so I got up earlier than usual then remembered that Kitty lent me her How To Discover Your Purpose booklet. I knew then and there that’s how I wanted to tackle our meeting for the week.

I began to cry. No, weep (as Reg so eloquently puts it).

It is embarrassing to have your staff witness all choked up with tears because you are just so.. OVERWHELMED. Yeah, that’s how I felt. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, nevermind that nearly everyone has NEVER seen me cry, nevermind that I was their “manager,” or that I had to be strong in their eyes. No, when God lets you cry you shouldn’t stop it. It’s a gift.

I cried because I shared something that happened yesterday, during Disruption Day with our agency, TBWA Santiago Puno Mangada. Grabe, Mr. Santiago is SOOO inspiring. I really learned A LOT from him! What was flattering was that he’d sit down with our group from time to time and say.. “Galing.” Eep. I cried because I always told my staff that while my time in Belo is limited, I knew I couldn’t bring myself to leave because I had a purpose still. And that purpose was fulfilled yesterday. Our group, the youngest team, authored our company’s VISION. He sat with our table during break, and he said something like “In all our years of Disruption, this is a first. The vision usually comes from the seniors.. but you guys came up with it. That in itself is a disruption.” I wanted to faint. Hello, Mr. Jimmy Santiago, advertising guru, was complimenting ME! Us! If anything, I will leave the company fulfilled because I did 2 things: achieved consistency in our creatives (Go, Belo Creatives! We fixed it! One logo, one look, one identity.) and I helped author our vision. Mr. Santiago was so inspiring kasi, when he was still giving instructions, I had a million ideas running through my head. Modesty aside, I finished my assignment in less than 5 minutes and my groupmates were impressed. We used what I wrote in creating our team’s proposed vision. Sigh.

I can leave Belo and not have any regrets now. I am fulfilled.

_____________
Cut my hair last night. It’s been something I’ve been mulling over for quite a while. Nica put things in perspective when she said “Mare, I know you love your long hair and you look good with it, but if you’re finding it too hard to even fix up in the morning that means you can’t maintain it. So cut it short.”

So after D-Day, I headed off to the salon (Ben Fix! Trust me, I’ve had my hair done everywhere from Toni & Guy to Emphasis.. They’re cheap but they’re GOOD!!) and just plunged into my new look. Ack. There is a certain vulnerability in having your hair cut. I never knew I had issues about letting go of my long hair.. Parang comfort zone na kasi.. I knew I looked nice in it if I blow-dried. But, you see, the implications go beyond just cutting your hair:

- You put your trust (and faith) in someone who’s pretty much a stranger.
- You let go of your past self. It’s kinda like dying to your old self so a new person can emerge.
- It’s a bitter pill that you have to swallow (if you’re not so adventurous) but you feel great after.

You see, I like to take control of my life. Which is why I’m independent. I didn’t HAVE to move out and be on my own but I WANTED to. I wanted to experience living alone (at least, with my roomie). I drive my own car (Thank you, Lord, for giving me a new one! Coming soon! Woohoo!). I don’t like hitching with people because it makes me feel dependent. I try as much as possible not to “mooch off” my parents because, let’s face it, I’m too old to be taken care of by them. I pay my own bills, and pretty much do as I please. So depending on someone and letting them come through for me is somewhat a risk I find myself usually unwilling to take.

God’s lesson for the week: ALLOW MYSELF TO BE VULNERABLE.

Eep.

________________
16 August 2006
9:31pm

De-Lovely is showing on Star Movies.

Sigh.

I remember watching this movie on DVD a little over a year ago, when I was confined due to infection for 5 miserable days. Such a BEAUTIFUL movie. It's not even cheesy in the song and dance kind of sense. (Hey, I LOVE big glittering Broadway numbers ha.) I love how it incorporates the music to the story seamlessly, like Rob Marshall's take on Chicago. Here are a few more reasons why this movie rocks:

1) It salutes the musical genius that is Cole Porter.

Long before my Stephen Sondheim phase, or my embarrassing Andrew Lloyd Webber fascination, there was Cole Porter.

When I was a little girl, I watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. You know that opening scene where Willie sings Anything Goes in Chinese? I was hooked! I bought a very expensive Broadway songbook because Anything Goes was in it and I wanted to play it on the piano. I was too much of a musical newbie to appreciate the other classics that were in it (ALW was my main background) and to my dismay I couldn't play the piece because it was too difficult. I've always had a problem playing anything ‘lilting.’ I make up for it with the ‘legato’ pieces. Hahaha. :P I have since lost the book but my love of Cole Porter has remained.

- Ella Fitzgerald has lovely renditions of Cole Porter's music. :) And Michael Crawford has a really beautiful version of In The Still Of The Night in his Songs from the Stage and Screen album. Imagine, a 7th-grader used to listen to that nightly!!!

- Everytime We Say Goodbye is in my list of all-time favorite songs. EVER. "There's no love song finer/ But how strange the change.. From major to minor" Hmmm. Must remember to have that played during my wedding

2) Lovely cameos abound.

Elvis Costello. Robbie Williams. Alanis Morissette. Sheryl Crow. That's just to name a few.

Elvis Costello is a genius. Robbie Williams has THE most wonderful swing album (Swing When You’re Winning, baby!). And, like who doesn't have a copy of Jagged Little Pill? Sheryl Crow singing Begin the Beguine? Natalie Cole doing Every Time We Say Goodbye? Hello! Oh, and any movie that features both John Barrowman and Mario Frangoulis can't fail. Gorgeous, gorgeous men whose singing can make any woman's heart melt.. Ay. :P

Oh, and Lara Fabian’s quite good too. (Broken Vow, anyone?)

3) Linda Porter.

"You don't have to love me the way I love you, Cole. Just love me." Words the "old Chiko" has said (and felt) time and again. Since knowing God, however, and knowing that in His perfect timing I am to be with the one who will love me the way I am supposed to be loved (never more than God).. *Sigh.*

What I'm saying is that I've been there. I WAS Linda. The movie is quite therapeutic, actually. :) A good reminder of how God has changed me, changed my life and I need never be afraid of falling in love ever again. :)

romancing the "stone" (better yet, the ice-maiden)

2006-08-16T10:39:00.000+08:00

I traipsed to work this morning (traipsed pa talaga, diba?), enjoying my favorite breakfast food ever – taho. Hahaha. I happen to like simple things as well, you know, despite my obvious penchant for the extravagant. I also had a stupid grin plastered on my face. God knows why. :)

I LOVE taho. Seriously. I could eat it everyday. When I was studying in Ateneo, I HAD to have taho before taking a long exam, midterm or final. Brain food, I would call it. And it worked because I was thisclose to graduating with honors. Darn. Oh, well. Five semesters on the Dean’s List isn’t so bad, not to mention the fact I didn’t take them sissy classes either. Only person to get an A in Ched Reyes’ Philosophy of Man class. That MUST count for something.

I started to think about school, and how upon landing the Dean’s List the first time I had called my dad right away to tell him because I was sooo sure he’d be proud of me. And he was! Well, that got me to thinking about last night, about how my Father kept sending me His little “love notes.”

Any woman (or man) familiar with the book Captivating will recall a chapter on how, as the Lover of our Soul, God romances us too. This week, He’s been doing that more than usual.

Take Sunday, for example. I had the blessing of being asked to sing with the music team unexpectedly for the morning services, and somewhere during the song Here I Am To Worship I just got so.. kilig! I’m not kidding. Last week kasi I’ve been praying to God to keep me focused on Him because I feel slightly distracted by my crush (ugh!). Every morning, I’d wake up and say “God, You’re my First. I love You. You are above ALL things.” Anyway, somewhere in the worship, I just felt so overwhelmed by His love. It was.. AMAZING. And maybe it showed because Dianne texted me in the afternoon:

Dianne: Have a wonderful week ahead too! Oh by the way… I LOVED the way your hair was fixed this morning while singing! Hehe! Iba ha… Yeehee.

So, yeah, God’s been romancing me. Affirming me in my desire to put Him above everything (and anyone) else.

Which brings me back to last night.

I’ve never really had much confidence in myself, especially when it comes to doing “church-y” things. Like in cell group. As I told Michelle last night, “I am the LAST person who you'd imagine sitting here!” Not because I didn’t want to be there but because I used to be REALLY, umm, angsty(?). Basta. So, in a way, I felt un-worthy to lead because I didn’t feel credible. But that’s a LIE.

I was texting with Kitty last night after cell (she had vertigo and couldn’t attend) and she told me this:

Kitty: Wow great! Am so glad :-) Thanks also for filling in. Linny and I think you’re a good cell leader na. :-)
Chiko: Omigosh. Thank you for that. That really means a lot. :) I appreciate the trust and confidence. Thank you!
Kitty: God uses all of us naman e :-) Coz bottom line is He’s the one who touches their hearts. Anyway, all we have to be is available for Him to speak thru :-) You’re more than ready Chiko :-) Great job.

So many other things happened last night but the message I got from God is this: Everything will be alright. He is pleased.

Unlike with our earthly fathers, we don't have to do anything to win God's affection. (Not that I have to do anything to win my dad's approval, but you get the point..) He just LOVES us. Simple as that.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings (Psalm 17:8)

*Sigh.*

___________________
On another note, I am compelled to post this morning’s super enjoyable conversation with my Reg:

Chiko says: want to know something funny?
Red.Writes... shooting says: o?
Chiko says: i've been attending victory for almost 3 years now (can you believe) and it's funny because it took forever for me to commit. even when i attended victory weekend na.. i was never vocal about my christianity. linny really had a headache trying to get me to even attend service. but this year.. grabe. i'm so grateful that i attended the service during volunteer weekend. if linny hadn't been sitting next to me, urging me to try out for music ministry.. i don't know if i'd be like this today.. i'm so amazed at God's destiny for me.. yun lang..
Red.Writes... shooting says: isn't he the most amazing???
Chiko says: AY, SUPER. sometimes i feel so overwhelmed..
HAHAHA. can you believe this is me talking! parang alien!!!
Red.Writes... shooting says: hahaha. i'm soooooo happy for you chich... really. Galing talaga ni God.
Chiko says: hahaha. He's really wonderful.
Red.Writes... shooting says: i'm so glad that God changed my heart... and he's still changing me. and it's sooooo amazing.
Chiko says: we are constantly being renewed.. and i see it in you. honestly.. that's why i'm so thankful to franco because i've never seen you so focused. or at peace. you have much to be proud of
Red.Writes... shooting says: maybe that's why i don't fight you anymore. hahaha
Chiko says: hahaha. maybe
Red.Writes... shooting says: and maybe that's why you don't fight me anymore too.
Chiko says: linny once told me that sometimes when people are destined to do great things together they're sometimes intentionally pushed apart so they can't accomplish them. maybe we're meant to do wonderful things together now
Red.Writes... shooting says: i think so too. like what?
Chiko says: you'll direct the adaptation of my book. Hahaha. you know i'm writing one, right
Red.Writes... shooting says: the one you're writing now??? YES
Chiko says: hahaha
Red.Writes... shooting says: that's something to look forward to!
Chiko says: awww.. reg..
Red.Writes... shooting says: what if quark asks for it?
Chiko says: nah.. it's yours. it's beyond his capabilities. he won't see the heart behind it
Red.Writes... shooting says: hahaha. i want to read the final draft before it gets published.
Chiko says: hahaha. it'll be finished the day before my wedding. that's how it ends. so it's a work in progress. God knows when it'll be done
Red.Writes... shooting says: oh no... i'm scared that might be sooner than i think.
Chiko says: hahaha. nothing to worry about, sweetie!!
Red.Writes... shooting says: where are you sending it for publishing?
Chiko says: no idea.. if not, i'll publish it myself
Red.Writes... shooting says: i pray it will be a best seller.
Chiko says: i'm grateful that God has gotten me well-connected though. it's pretty much just my testimony, sweetie
Red.Writes... shooting says: what is it... like a memoir? an autobiography?
Chiko says: no, it's semi-fictional
Red.Writes... shooting says: title?
Chiko says: i'm reading passion and purity by elisabeth elliott now.. so it's sorta like that it's my way of glorifying God while i "wait" i'm deciding on: adventures in singlehood
Red.Writes... shooting says: ah...
Chiko says: chronicles of a young woman's journey into love. something to that effect. i don't really have one yet.. but the theme is waiting and how God renews us, and eventually brings us to where we are supposed to be
Red.Writes... shooting says: I LIKE IT ALREADY.
Chiko says: really? that means a lot to me.. of course, being chiko.. it has to be a little wacky and quirky. pretty much my life now. bwahahaha.
Red.Writes... shooting says: remember that conversation we had about you trying to be different because you don't want it to be ordinary?
Chiko says: hahaha. yeah.. that really "upset" you.. got you all, um, frustrated
Red.Writes... shooting says: HAHAHAHAHA. is that in the book?
Chiko says: haven't written that part yet.. probably will. a fictionalized version of you will be in it.. largely edited. i want to be fair to all my "boys". but you'll all know who you are. but everyone else won't have a clue!
Red.Writes... shooting says: HAHAHAHA. i can't wait to read it.
Chiko says: awww.. not till i get married. you can read the draft though
Red.Writes... shooting says: so is the book gonna be done on the wedding day? or after? drafts are welcome.
Chiko says: hahaha. i planned it in such a way that my final entry is to be written the day of my wedding. but of course that will have to be edited. so i guess while i'm on honeymoon, you can go over the draft
Red.Writes... shooting says: HAHAHAHAHA. i'm finding you really funny now.
Chiko says: eh? why?
Red.Writes... shooting says: i don't know. funny in a good way.
Chiko says: hahaha. you mean the whole "marriage" thing believe me.. it's something i'm embarrassed about because i've been against it for so long.. but God really put that desire in my heart eh.. ack. chiko is a pod-person!!
Red.Writes... shooting says: no it's not about that... i don't know why but i'm just really enjoying this whole conversation
Chiko says: hahaha

2006-08-15T13:01:00.000+08:00

WAAAH. I want a puppy!! I think it's totally UNFAIR that condos (mine at least) won't allow them. Sniffle, sniffle! I miss my Ewok (the Shih Tzu), even Figaro (the yappiest Pekingese ever). I WANT ONE I WANT ONE I WANT ONE!!!

2006-08-15T12:00:00.000+08:00

what a CUTIE!!!

sniffling sucker auntie

2006-08-15T11:54:00.000+08:00

Ugh. I caught a COLD.

My sickness knows no bounds: fever, flu, post-nasal drip, infection due to growing wisdom teeth, asthma.. Hmph. I am a walking virus with my own mobile pharmacy.

I'm actually quite well, truth be told, just that this weather is not making recuperation any easier. Not to mention the stupid airconditioner that is blowing right at my back. I look like Paddington (freakin') Bear! That's right. With the overcoat and fisherman's hat (because I'm too lazy to dry my hair in the morning). Not yellow and blue though. :P

The SUCKIEST thing about ‘emanating germs’ is that I can’t play with my nephew. Grr.. And he’s soooo darn cute! You should see how he smiles when he sees his “sucker auntie.” I saw him a bit this morning before heading for work and I know it’s bad but I couldn’t resist picking him up!! (If my mom found out, she’ll throw a fit!) So so so cute! And he was smiling and cooing at me!!!

Ack. See the picture above if you don’t believe me. He’s WAY cuter than those Gerber babies!! (In the words of my pedia: "Look at auntie! She’s more excited than mommy and daddy. You should have one." Uh.. Yeah. Okay. :P)

hilarious.

2006-08-14T15:57:00.000+08:00

EXTREMELY entertaining article on masculinity and the trend of "retro-sexuality." Hahahaha.

___________________

So ‘real men’ don’t cry any more? Give me strength …
Ron Ferguson
The Herald (UK)
August 14 2006

Oh, dear. It seems that the role of real men is changing yet again.

We are apparently at the beginning of what is called the "Menaissance", which features new/old definitions of masculinity. The movement has begun in the US, and we already know that when America sneezes, Britain catches a cold. Menaissance will soon be showing at a pub or street corner near you.

This is a long evolutionary story. Here's the short version. In the early days, man leaves cave to kill wild beast and drag it back to hoose, where perpetually-pregnant bidie-in already has pot bubbling in anticipation. The man's role as hunter-gatherer is clear and unambiguous; no social skills are required. The caveman needs strength and speed, but he is certainly not required to emote or to slap on moisturiser. Despite his repellent breath and steaming oxters, he has a clear role in the procreative process and it does not involve asking, "How was it for you, darling?"

Variations on the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" paradigm lasted well into the twentieth century. When I was growing up, a mildly reconstructed version was still the order of the day. In order to take my place in the proper order of things, I, a skinny, stunted boy who would have been lunch for any wild beast rather than the other way about, embarked on a Charles Atlas course. (Remember the slogan, "Don't let anyone kick sand in your face"?) The exercises and supplements failed to make mountains of out muscular molehills and I remained stubbornly insignificant - until I suddenly expanded and developed the magnificent physique which still causes tourists to gasp in Orkney. I also developed such profusion of body hair - including beard and shoulder-length mane - that even gorillas were afraid. When out walking without clothes, I looked like Birnham wood marching on Dunsinane.

Then came the feminist revolution. Caveman was made redundant. Women, for some reason, no longer wanted to be stuck in the house with wailing weans. They demanded careers, equal pay, and - if they wanted a male around the place at all - a man who didn't spend his time scratching his rear and grunting. It was all very confusing for males. Ever ready to respond to the zeitgeist, I shaved off my beard, cut my hair and put lashings of moisturiser on my face. It worked. You would never guess that I am 102 years old. I became a gentle new man, managing to emote in full sentences. I learned to wash dishes and write poetry.

Then more bewilderment. An edict from the women's collective said that they didn't want men to open doors for them, or to walk next the road to protect against splashes from horse-drawn carriages, or to stand up for them on a bus. These things were deemed to be patronising and demeaning. But just when I had finally managed to repress my conditioned impulses to offer up my bus seat to every living creature equipped with anything remotely resembling a cleavage, a fresh edict was issued just last year saying that, no, most women actually quite liked to have men acting in such old-fashioned, chivalrous ways. Aaargh. Darkened room time.

Next came metrosexuals, with super-gelled hair and androgynous clothes. Orkney doesn't really do metrosexuality - it's something to do with living on farms - but I did my bit by taking off the boiler suit and putting on Calvin Klein boxer shorts when venturing into Kirkwall.

And now, God help us, the Menaissance. What's this all about? Well, it's a reaction against the gentle, concerned male with the moisturiser and the pink sweaters. It's back to machismo manhood and fearsome jumping on your mate's bones. Carnivorous caveman is back. We're talking retrosexual here. A bible of the new movement is Jim Belushi's Real Men Don't Apologise. It's all about unreconstructed masculinity advocated by men (and some women who have tired of emo-boys with Kleenexes) who believe that males have been emasculated in the course of the gender wars. The new/old battle cry is for masculine assertiveness, bravery and a willingness to beard the psychological wild beasts in their lairs. At its best it's about dignity and manliness, at its worst it's about beer bellies, flatulence and "spontaneous" (ie drink-fuelled) bad behaviour. Attractive and exciting, ladies?

Many women will insist that it was ever thus, and that the considerate New Man who cheerfully does the housework and changes nappies was always a mirage, a figment of the male imagination. There is truth in this.

The gender wars are full of wishful thinking and self-deception. In the meantime, I'm heading back to the electronic croft's darkened room, before getting in touch with my inner caveman. Again.

Sometimes it's hard to be a man.

2006-08-14T14:44:00.000+08:00

mark this day: since "stealing" the jake gyllenhaal peg and posting it on the wall fronting my desk, i have decided to take him down. ha! goodbye, object of desire. :P bwahahaha.

beautiful sunday

2006-08-14T12:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I spent time at Linny’s and omigosh there’s SO MUCH we learned about each other that over 2 years of cell never gave us the chance to discover. We talked about life, art, music, poetry (I kid you not!), even crushes. Hahaha. Eep. :P

She’s really such a BEAUTIFUL person, this Linny. It’s funny how she said when I met her it was during her “immature” days but I’ve always looked up to her. Immature? Highly unlikely.

She’s just taken another leap into the wonderful unknown, this time moving out and being on her own (hey, it rhymes!). Clap, clap. :) She’s loving every single minute of it. She's truly admirable.

___________________
It surprises me how little I talk about my past life – carpool “princess” as Ling would say, dinnertime pianist – Linny’s favorite story (My family would eat while I played Les Miz or Andrew Lloyd Webber on the piano. Stop laughing. ALW was a PHASE! Sorry, George, but I’m getting me a Steinway soon as I can afford it), teetering alcoholic (My former on-again off-again boyfriend’s name was Jose Cuervo. Oh, such happy and usually forgotten times together.. All in the past, THANK GOD!), groupie/band-aid (or call it whatever you will), screaming theater geek, angst-ridden wildchild, and of course, my infamous stint as the official “pornstar” of the unholy choir of St. James (although it really isn't as bad as it sounds).

Hmmm. Yeah, okay. THAT’S why I don’t talk about it. :P

I can actually write about the stupid things I’ve done in the past and feel NO SHAME because that is no longer who I am. :) Chalk it up to the stupidity of my youth. God has renewed me, renewed my life and made it BETTER THAN I EVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

I truly believe that God has always watched over me. If I hadn’t met Puffy.. If I hadn’t met Dee.. If I hadn’t met Reg.. If I hadn't gotten close to Allotte and Nica.. If I hadn’t met Zion, Ikit or Linny.. If I hadn’t started attending service, or cell.. If I hadn’t surrendered my life to God..

BUT I DID. And as Robert Frost eloquently put it:

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

Praise God. :)

trip to the dentist

2006-08-11T14:27:00.000+08:00

Following a 2-year hiatus from all things dental, my throbbing wisdom tooth finally forced a visit to my mom’s orthodontist.

A few things I learned from my trip to the dentist:

It’s embarrassing to be 26 and just now have your wisdom teeth come out. Can you say late-bloomer?
For someone who hasn’t had a cleaning in 2 years (disgusting, I know.. I’ve been busy), my back teeth are in remarkably good condition.
Four years of braces, retainers, and multiple extractions have NOT given me a perfect set of pearly whites. To my credit, the dentist said that my teeth weren’t yellow at all – there had, in fact, been some orthodontic cement that was improperly cleaned. Ha!
For someone who gorges on lattes (both the coffee and tea kind), I had the uncanny ability to keep the caffeine stains only on the front part of my teeth. She suggests I take on energy drinks instead. Extra Joss, anyone?
Not even a molar can shut me up. HAHAHA. She actually said she was surprised I could open my mouth at all, given the swelling and infection. Hahahaha! I think someone would have to screw my mouth shut to keep it from opening.
It’s quite hard to answer questions that your dentist asks when her hands (and a bunch of dental equipment) are in your mouth. She was very, very nice about it and quite entertaining so I appreciated that anyway.

Apparently, you experience a certain amount of vulnerability when you come in for oral prophylaxis. You not only risk letting yourself “be known,” including all the stupid things you’ve done in the past like drink or smoke or whatever, but you also reveal parts of yourself that most others will never get to see (and I don’t just mean the gums and stuff). There’s so much you can learn from someone by witnessing their cleaning. Things like food preferences, hygienic practices, and social quirks to name a few. Now imagine what it feels like when you go to the gynecologist. ;)

"All I Can Do"

2006-08-10T12:26:00.000+08:00

9 August 2006
10:27pm

"Be patient/Try harder/I'll help you in my own way/ See clearer/ Be happy/ Honey, it will be alright."

That's the chorus to Club 8’s All I Can Do.. Honestly, I think God was speaking to me when He put that song in my head earlier.

God is giving me a lesson in patience.

Lately, I've been reading and re-reading books like Captivating and Wild At Heart and nothing springs out from the pages more than Eve's role in the Fall. Eve falls because SHE DECIDES TO TAKE MATTERS INTO HER OWN HANDS. Otherwise, she never would have taken the apple to begin with.

Chiko is a control-freak. Chiko likes to take matters into her own hands. Chiko is a thriving independent young woman who revels in her self-sufficiency.

Chiko also needs to learn what it's like to NEED someone, to be VULNERABLE. Chiko needs to be rescued. But first, she must ALLOW herself to be rescued.

I was chatting with Reg earlier this morning and we were reminiscing about how we used to fight. A LOT:

Chiko: We used to fight A LOT. Hahaha.
Reg: I know. Why did we fight a lot ba?
Chiko: I don't know.. You always seemed to be so.. mean :P Like I never did anything right.. Even if I was genuinely trying to be nice.
Reg: Me?
Chiko: YEP. I know it was crazy for me to think we could be friends so soon.. But kasi it kinda worked with me and (you know who).. But still.. You guys are different and I shouldn't have expected the same reaction so my fault din.. And it was hard because we were pretty much in the same group
Reg: Hmmm... Maybe you were trying too hard... iI didn't have a chance to be 'nice' to you because you always were ahead of me.
Chiko: Aw.. I'm sorry.. I guess I never let you try..
Reg: No need to be sorry. It's all behind us now. We have something better.
Chiko: I know..

Right.

That's it. God's telling me: "Be patient/Try harder/I'll help you in my own way/ See clearer/ Be happy/ Honey, it will be alright."

I hear You loud and clear, Father. I will STOP trying to take matters into my own hands.

God has changed my heart for a reason. He placed this desire in my heart because He will fulfill His wonderful purpose for me. “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me.. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 138:8, 139:14, 16) God's best, not mine. His way, not mine. His time, not mine.

"Be patient/Try harder/I'll help you in my own way/ See clearer/ Be happy/ Honey, it will be alright."

I WILL BE RESCUED. I know You will make everything beautiful in Your own time. Yes, everything will be alright.

___________________
Owww.. Wisdom tooth's growing. :(

2006-08-08T16:01:00.000+08:00

apol and me descending the fire exit. pretty cool, huh? thanks to junie (who has a nice-smelling kilikili, by the way) for the pic ;)

what the..?!?

2006-08-08T15:51:00.000+08:00

Something must be wrong in the world when even a reputable news source such as CNN actually decides run a story on Paris Hilton deciding to go celibate alongside news of whatever bleak’s going on in Lebanon.

I am seriously APPALLED.

Can we report on nothing else? I doubt CNN alone’s to blame, especially since this kind of fodder seems to keep people amused. Still, I hardly think Paris Hilton qualifies as “positive news.”

See stupid article below (I haven’t read it):

Paris Hilton: I'm going celibate

'I'll kiss, but nothing else,' says heiress

Monday, August 7, 2006 Posted: 1733 GMT (0133 HKT)

LONDON, England (AP) -- Paris Hilton says she is sick of boyfriends and is celibate.

The 25-year-old who gained international fame when a former boyfriend posted a videotape of the couple having sex on the Internet denied leading a promiscuous lifestyle in an interview with the British edition of GQ magazine.

"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Of the videotape with Rick Solomon that became one of the most searched-for items on the Internet in 2003, she said: "I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money and he should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something."

The Hilton Hotels heir and uber-socialite told the magazine she is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was hounded by photographers.

"I've been in cars trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Hilton is quoted as saying.

During the interview, Hilton also displayed some political illiteracy.

When asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair, her response was: "Who? ... Oh, yeah, he's like your president. I don't know what he looks like."

Hilton also told the magazine she collects $500,000 in fees just to show up at parties and other events from Las Vegas to Tokyo. Her best-paying gig, she said, was a recent Austrian appearance.

"I had to say 'hi' and tell them why I loved Austria so much," she is quoted as saying.

And why does she like Austria? "Because they pay me $1 million to wave at crowds!"

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

a newfound appreciation for facial hair.

2006-08-07T15:35:00.000+08:00

I’m currently reading John Eldredge’s book Wild At Heart and finding it really.. ENLIGHTENING. It was the precursor to the book he wrote with his wife, Captivating. So why read the male version? Because it’s helping me understand men more (though I won’t pretend to ever fully KNOW them!) and, as Linny reminded me, there will always be men in my life – like my Dad, brother, nephews.. as well as the ex-boyfriends.

So I was reading his chapter on The Wound and came across a reference to the whole ‘goatee phenomenon.’ Seems like everywhere I go, some guy is sporting a goatee. My first boyfriend now has one, my second boyfriend’s had one for years, and even my new crush has one! Haha. I assure you this won’t help you pinpoint his ‘secret identity,’ as I’m keeping this one under lock and key. :P Besides, it seems as if EVERYONE’S WEARING ONE THESE DAYS!! I ran into a college friend a few weeks back and (ooh, big surprise!) he grew a goatee! Ano baaaa?!?! My officemate has a semi-goatee, when he’s too lazy to shave his beard. Ugh. I bet that if you check your Friendster, Multiply or MOG contacts most of the males have grown it.

Anyway, that little reference got me thinking. I mean, not that goatees are bad or anything but why on earth is everybody sporting chin pubes?! You want to know why? Because something about it makes them feel more.. Manly. Dangerous. Unpredictable. Wild. (And to women.. Sexy. I can sooo attest to this!) It used to irritate me that my ex grew one.. I kinda still think it doesn’t really suit his features, but I’m all for his new ‘manly’ vibe..

Well, I say, the world needs more MANLY men. Really. No, REALLY. And if a goatee is what it takes to make them feel more like men.. Who are we to argue? ;)

I will never look at goatees the same way again.

esse quam videri (to be rather than to appear)

2006-08-04T12:32:00.000+08:00

I admit I usually get distracted easily, but no distraction has been more welcome that this morning’s “argument” with Nico about evolution. :) I can’t do justice by summarizing it.. So read the transcript if you like. I DARE you. :P

pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
did they teach evolution at assumption?
Chiko says:
barely.. just darwin
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
sigh. is there a similar intelligent design movement in the philippines?
Chiko says:
sorry.. was in a meeting. hahaha.. i'm not sure, sweetie..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
ok good. i guess not then
Chiko says:
i do know people who prefer creationism over evolutionism but i personally prefer a good mix of both.
i don't think men were formed by accident but i don't think it was all a fluke of nature either. we were made with a purpose, and i believe we would've become ourselves eventually
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
sigh. that sounds like intelligent design
Chiko says:
really
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
yeah
Chiko says:
i don't completely buy into evolution as the reason for our existence kasi. i believe there's more to us than that.
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
sigh
Chiko says:
come on, nico.. even YOU have to believe there is more to life than science. after all, where do the arts come from? or beautiful music?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
what does art have to do with evolution?
Chiko says:
because if it's all about math and sounds and all that.. what i'm saying is that there are a lot of things that point out to something far greater than just.. adapting to things
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
what makes you think art and music aren't adaptations to things?
Chiko says:
that's a very sad way of looking at life.. just adapting
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
just because we haven't changed in physical form doesn't mean we haven't evolved. sad? i think its the complete opposite in fact!
Chiko says:
don't you feel we have a greater purpose in life than just evolving
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
isn't it even more astounding that the chiko that you are today, is built on the lives of all your ancestors from long ago?
Chiko says:
we stand on the shoulders of the giants.. where was that from?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
newton said that
Chiko says:
yes, it's fascinating..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
but that was in reference to his accomplishments, not evolution
Chiko says:
but did you ever wonder why we evolve? or why we change or why we began to change?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i think people who have trouble with evolution don't understand the difference between fact and truth
Chiko says:
hahaha..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
evolution is fact, religion is truth. truth is personal, fact is universal
Chiko says:
but even you have to admit that everything can pretty much be disproven, that facts can change, because things, ideas also evolve
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
why do we need a purpose? and just because there isn't a "purpose" laid out for us, that doesn't mean we have to live our lives without morals. true, facts can be disproven
Chiko says:
morals don't have anything to do with purpose
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
but nothing has disproven evolution so far, just as nothing has disproven gravity so far
Chiko says:
you can be moral but not have purpose or have a purpose but not be moral
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
science makes the allowance for future knowledge, religion doesn’t
Chiko says:
so far.. but you'll never know.. hey, i happen to love science. my great grandfather was a scientist
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
all of biology only makes sense under the light of evolution
Chiko says:
like i said, i believe that we've evolved as beings.. but to isolate it like there's nothing beyond that.. i have trouble accepting that because like it or not, biological beings or not, there is more that our physical nature, more to us than brain signals and neurological impulses, more to us than reactions
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i disagree. and i don’t see why we should be saddened by the reality. in fact, it's even more astounding. i think the problem people have with evolution is not that it "disproves" god,
but that it disproves that man is spiritually elevated, divinely favored, that we have special status in the eyes of god and on earth
Chiko says:
that's creationism, sweetie
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
no, intelligent design is basically the same thing. in fact, its even worse because it masquerades as a science
Chiko says:
i don't think evolution disproves God either..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
ID is just saying that the complexity of biology cannot be explained by random events, but that there was an intelligent designer behind it. call the designer god or what have you. same banana
Chiko says:
hahaha. i just really think there's more to existing than biology, is all
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
there is. but that doesn’t mean that biology did not give rise to us
Chiko says:
and not everything can be explained by science
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
religion explains things by telling you to believe it or else. that it just is that it will always be
Chiko says:
i believe in science but we were also taught that even scientists must be able to admit that there are things we cannot fully know
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
there are things that we don’t know yet
Chiko says:
we took up philosophy of religion in ateneo
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
science is about asking questions and discovering answers
Chiko says:
a lot of it has to do with society, and how people tend to cope. remember pascal's wager?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
yes
Chiko says:
it's like that for both of us..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
but that has nothing to do with evolution
Chiko says:
we don't both know the answer, right? i could be mistaken or so could you. we'll never know
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i would say that my answer is more likely to be correct because its based on evidence
and not conjecture
Chiko says:
on a scientific approach. but how do you validate your facts when science itself dictates what is fact and what isn't?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
science is not a bureaucracy, its a way of thinking
Chiko says:
empirical data.. isn't that based what scientists said? exactly..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
yes
Chiko says:
so how sure are you that your way of thinking wasn't influenced by something else
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
empirical meaning it can be observed, tested, and replicated. because before it can be proven,
Chiko says:
yes.. and by what measure do you observe, test and replicate?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
it has to be done over and over again. reliably.
Chiko says:
using criteria that science has chosen
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
and you propose that science be approached from a philosophical perspective? from a religious perspective?
Chiko says:
hahaha. what i'm saying is.. it should matter to you if the perspective you choose is one of science. i'm not choosing that perspective so to me, it's flawed. just like my perspective looks flawed to you
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i'm wondering because perspectives not based on fact will often lead to fundamentalism
Chiko says:
see? you can't isolate it
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
the beauty of science is that we are trying. unlike religion which has already decided that it and it alone is right
Chiko says:
yes, to understand life.. right
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
not understand but discover
Chiko says:
but religion is also trying to understand, or discover, life but in its own way. same as philosophy
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
not life. the abstract. but not fact
Chiko says:
fact as science validates it as fact
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
fact as everyone who understands logic validates it as fact
Chiko says:
hahaha.
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
isn’t that what science is anyway? logic. thinking. rational thought
Chiko says:
some philosophers would disagree with you. but that shouldn't matter because you won't consider that as fact
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
they are subjective
Chiko says:
just free thinking or a mental exercise
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
not based on physical evidence. no substance
Chiko says:
can you say that ALL of science is objective?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
all of science should be objective
Chiko says:
physical evidence as science dictates it. but not always
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
if its not objective, its not science
Chiko says:
because facts can be disproven
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
then its bad science
Chiko says:
you just change the measure
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
yes they can. thats what great about it. what? 2.2 lbs of feathers is the same as a kilo of feathers.
i didnt want to get in this discussion, really
Chiko says:
hahaha. i didn't mean metrics.. i meant the tools you use to establish facts
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i wont say that i am saddened that you feel the way you do, that i am not i mean
Chiko says:
i don't think you're mean
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i'm not. science should be taught better in the philippines, we were hardly taught evolution at xavier
Chiko says:
no, you're not. and it's admirable that you're passionate about science.. and you believe what you do. because xavier is a catholic school
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
science doesn’t interfere with religion
Chiko says:
exactly
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
it is religion that has a problem with science. because science doesn’t say what it wants it to say
Chiko says:
that's why i'm for giving people knowledge and having them decide what to do with it.
that's generalizing
also because, the same can be said in reverse
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i’m not following your logic
Chiko says:
generalizing = it is religion that has a problem with science because science doesn’t say what it wants it to say
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
when has science ever said that god does not exist? never, because science doesn't care.
when has religion said that facts are forbidden? that the pursuit of knowledge should be impeded? countless times
Chiko says:
and do you expect many religious to care about science? they just care about what they eat, where they sleep, etc.. but that doesn't mean that it's not at the back of their minds. science is important. and so is religion
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
ok
Chiko says:
no one ever said anything about knowledge being wrong
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
anymore and I’m gonna burst a blood vessel
Chiko says:
hahahaha
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
this is why i need to read more dawkins
Chiko says:
dawkins?
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
richard dawkins. an evolutionary biologist
Chiko says:
ah..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
most of his life’s work was to champion evolution in the popular press
Chiko says:
i had fun arguing with you..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i am not as eloquent as he
Chiko says:
you're doing a good job, sweetie..
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i will get you a copy of the blind watchmaker
Chiko says:
what's it about
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
to those who think that there's an intelligent designer behind all of life, dawkins argues that he is blind, that life arose from random events, which is why so many times things fail, but enough happens that life goes on.
did you know that 50% of pregnancies spontaneously abort 2 weeks after fertilization? enough time for the prospective mother to not even notice that she was pregnant in the first place
Chiko says:
hahaha. i can argue with you on that.. from a religious perspective.. but you might have a heart attack
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
i will. and then i fear i would forget myself and eat you. so lets not go there. at least, not tonight
Chiko says:
hahaha. okay then
pocampo@learnlink.emory.edu says:
good night ms. fancy pants
Chiko says:
hahaha. goodnight, scientist

my nature boy (a short story in 4 pictures)

2006-08-02T13:52:00.000+08:00

As inspired by the beautiful song, Nature Boy:

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Unfortunately, for our hero, happy endings are not usually my style. ;) Bwahahaha.

2006-08-02T13:48:00.000+08:00

Once, there was a Boy.

2006-08-02T13:47:00.000+08:00

Boy sees Girl.

2006-08-02T13:45:00.000+08:00

Girl and Boy fight.

2006-08-02T13:43:00.000+08:00

Boy bites the dust.

on random acts of kindness.

2006-08-01T10:44:00.000+08:00

Isn't it amazing how sometimes seemingly inconsequential, random acts of kindness can leave everlasting impressions to the people who receive them? (Of course, just as disturbing, are the anti-thesis of these kindnesses that can scar people for life - some of which we are oblivious till the end.) Admittedly, it does no good to dwell on the shortcomings of others, intentional or not, and it is a far better thing to acknowledge the kindnesses that are done on your behalf.

____________________
Last Saturday, I was TIRED. Not just tired, mind you, but WEARY. I was stressed to the core for all of last week - my calendar looked more like a checkerboard than a schedule. Meeting after meeting, drive after drive. Take Wednesday, for example. Oh-so-proud of arriving early for a meeting with our new ad agency, my joy was yanked from beneath with the revelation that the meeting was indeed set for THE NEXT DAY. Forget the embarrassment of trudging back to the office and admitting your temporary loss of sanity. It seemed as if I were a zombie moving about unfamiliar territory, plowing through everything that came my way.

Of course, my busy schedule was not just about work. I had committed to a lot of things, all of them VERY WILLINGLY. It was just that all these commitments had collided into one another, leaving me with little room to breathe. The consolation is that God does not test your endurance without equipping you for it, whether it means bringing people into your life unexpectedly to provide you company or offering words encouragement from those you least expect it.

That being said, I would like to share my utmost appreciation of the following people who have touched my heart through their random acts of kindness:

The AC Chorale (past and present)
- For teaching me the very meaning of The Human Heart.

"The ones who came before you,
  The others yet to come,
  And those who you will teach it to,
  And those you learn them from.."

- It is wonderful to see the fruit of Tina's passion and dedication to Chorale. That's 19 years going on 20, mind you. Seated in my former high school, staring at one another through rows of desks, it really doesn't matter how long you've been gone or how long you've stayed. The point is that we all still "blend together" quite well.

Marj
- Marj is slowly turning into my Saturday afternoon buddy! Two weeks in a row we've been bonding at ENLI. We're now even in the same Kids Church team. She is an unexpected blessing, a friend who can empathize on the complexity of "crushes," and a refreshing companion during a rainy afternoon.

Team 3
- Special mention goes to Kathy, Richard, Vivian and Alfred. It's always a blessing to be around "big kids" who love "little kids." Plus, they also showed me that dancing can be far more effective than caffeine. ;)

Jose
- My favorite worship leader. :) I felt a little guilty about being so.. "zombie-like" during practice and was kind of hoping he wouldn't be so disappointed. Instead, he was super nice to me, even asked if I was okay, and gave words of encouragement that stayed with me throughout the day. I desperately needed to be reminded "That's what God's grace is for. You'll be okay." He probably didn't think much of it, but I will be forever grateful for that. It was like an adrenaline shot to the heart.

Binky and Nica
- When you and your girlfriends have been through thick and thin, and life makes being with them a little inaccessible, it's easy to forget the comfort of being in their presence. Sure, we're all quite different - Binky being in med school, Nica pursuing theater full-time and me the corporate-slave - but those things don't really matter because at the end of the day you will always find solace in each other.

So you see it didn't really matter that I slept at 1:30am, woke up at 2:30, tossed and turned inexplicably until 4:30, woke up again at 6:15, went to work at 7am, practice at 10am, meeting at 4pm, 5pm orientation and dinner at 7pm. Because you know what? Those encounters made everything worth it. Sometimes, it's really not about the things you do. It's the people you are with that make everything worthwhile.

___________________
Adding to the list of people I am thankful for..

Is my Reg. :)

Reg helped answer a question I’ve been asking for nearly a week now. The question was, of course, “God, how do I know I’m beautiful.. I know You think I’m beautiful but how do I know I’m beautiful?”

Sometimes, even when we’re so secure that God thinks the world of us, the superficiality of our nature gets the best of us. The past week I’ve been feeling awkward, like I wasn’t pretty enough, not worthy of being admired, not beautiful.. But in retrospect, God’s been speaking out to me through other people. Four of them, to be exact.

from someone I used to have a tiny crush on:

"You are inspiring. I am so happy and proud of you. And if you need a goatee, you know who to call. Hehehe. Goodnight."

from someone who I've been running into a lot it's quite strange:

"Sexy!" (which of course I find slightly offensive, but hey it’s a compliment too!)

from someone I truly admire:

(after hearing me say "But I feel ugly!") No. You’re not.

And my favorite..

from Reg: YOU ARE ONE BEAUTIFUL PERSON and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I'm so blessed to be part of your life. You are one friend who has shown me what love and forgiveness means and because of that, I am a better person.

Question answered. I can stop now.

reflections on crushes past

2006-07-25T09:52:00.000+08:00

“To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven.”

- Ecclesiastes 3

I know that Ecclesiastes 3 speaks about TIMING. The passage above has been used, re-used, and overused in everything from children’s books (the one they sell at Book Wagon is lovely, by the way) to editorials, sermons and songs. Rightly so, because timing is important and not a lot of us are patient. We want what we want when we want it, isn’t it so?

I was walking to work this morning when this thought struck me: every season in a person’s life presents him (or her) with various encounters that, whether through single instance or prolonged exposure, serve to teach, mold, or direct him into the person he is meant to become.

We’ve all had our fair share of friends, lovers, rivals, enemies, and acquaintances. Just the other week, I was feeling a bit sentimental about the men (or the more apropos, "boys") who’ve touched my life. Yes, yes. These are crushes past. Many of them are current friends.

In their unique way, each one has taught me that:

There are the “BBs” of your life that teach you that sometimes it’s best to take interest in other people, and to not be self-absorbed.

There are also the “N'est Pas” who show you that love is never forgotten, and that friendship can withstand the test of time. Of course, he also taught me to abhor that stupid song, More Than You’ll Ever Know. ;)

Then there are the “Jameses” who inspire you to try things you’ve never tried before, and prove that prom dates can be friends and that your friends can be your heroes.

There are the “Puffies” of your life who show you the meaning of romance, dare you to experience the “art” of life, and make you realize that you are stronger than you ever thought you were.

Then there are the “Regs” who teach you unconditional love, and show you the beauty of an apology.

Each of them in their own time. Whether they know it or not, they’ve all taught me valuable lessons in life. Some encounters hurt, and some blistered. Still, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Because, as Ecclesiastes puts it, there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, .. a time to embrace and a time to refrain, .. a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate.”

Or for those who prefer a more contemporary philosophy:

“The heart may freeze/ and it can burn/ The pain will ease/ if I can learn/ there is no future/ there is no past/ I live this moment as my last./ There’s only us/ There’s only this:/ Forget regret/ or life is your to miss/ No other road/ no other way No day but today.” (Rent)

I am grateful for every one of them, because through them I've gained a better appreciation of life (and love). More importantly, through them I’ve realized that no man can ever “complete” me or serve validate my existence. However, they CAN make your life more beautiful, just by being in it. Ü

weekend update

2006-07-24T17:23:00.000+08:00

Something has to be said about this undeterred longing for taho – to the extent of irrational persistence that pervades ill-weather, strong winds, soaked denims and water-logged sandals.

I walk all the way to the office, thinking “Yes, today is a beautiful day.”

The morning is pleasant, despite all the dodging with fellow umbrella-users. There is something comforting about the rain. It isn’t the WET kind, the one where large drops can leave your skin soaking in less than a minute. No, the rain is cool and inviting.

Obviously, someone woke up today in good spirits because everything just seems so BEAUTIFUL. Again.

As for the details on my peculiarly wonderful weekend, we begin on Friday.

Friday night.

Driving home from choir practice, the car started acting up. It wasn't going berserk or anything.. It just started making a funny noise. Even with ZERO knowledge about cars, I knew well enough that I needed to have it checked. Resolution: drive it to the nearest gas station. Taking a left at a busy Makati intersection, IT DIED. And not in the "just-restart-your-car" kinda sense; it was more like "pray-you're-able-to-maneuver-the-car" type. Eep. I was like "God, please, help me park it on the side!" Prayer granted, God was good enough to make sure I didn't hit anyone (or anything for that matter), and kind enough that I had been stalled in a busy street (The car had, in fact, luckily stalled right in front of a Starbucks.).

What to do, what to do while waiting for the tow truck. Practice Sunday’s lineup in the car, play a little solitaire on Coochi (my trusty PDA), and, well, pray. Since we’re exploring that avenue anyway..

I have, for some time now, been praying about someone. I've noticed him before but while I'm drawn to him, the “attraction” is new. Still, he’s been appearing in my thoughts more frequently than I am comfortable with so I opened my heart to God and prayed:

"Okay, God. There's this guy who I might have a crush on. Now, I've been praying about him for some time now but I know that it's not my best but YOUR best. But please, God, give me a sign. If he's not the one for me, please let me know. I don't want to be distracted right now. If he's not the one, please tell me even if I don't want to hear it. I'll accept Your will. It may not be easy for me to hear but I'll accept it. Please give me a sign."

So I asked for a specific sign (which, of course, I'll decline writing here) and prayed for it to be answered within a definite time period.

Saturday.

Took the dead car to be repaired and do you know what the mechanic told my brother? He said "You should be thankful the car didn't explode." EEP. MAJOR EEP.

Jump to..

Sunday morning.

Woke up at 6:00am, which is HECK of a lot earlier than I normally wake up (even for work!), utterly THANKFUL that I’m still very much alive. Wake-up call to Dianne, who has a hard time getting up early as much as I do. Took a cab to church (car’s dead, remember?) and, for some reason, I find myself in a really good mood. Hmmm.. Must be an effect of the reminder of my mortality. :P

Worship was (again) wonderful. Even more so because it was Jose who was leading. He really amazes me when he leads. It's always so heartfelt, intimate, and intense all at once. There's a difference I can't fully explain. Yeah, he sings exceptionally well but so do all the other worship leaders. I am always at awe when he leads because he never seems to tire, and it never comes across as routine - simply because it isn't. And he writes such wonderful music. I'd like to pick at his brain one day to see how he can write such beautiful songs. Or what his musical influences are. Or how on earth does he create such moving melodies. Ack. What a gifted guy. (Of course, we're not going to tell him any of this, right?) Anyway, it was a blessing and an honor to be part of that.

You know what? God not only answered my prayer today, He not only gave me what I asked for but SO MUCH MORE.

God has promised me this: that He has put this desire in my heart for a purpose and all I need do is follow HIS way and He will grant that desire. Admittedly, I must fight every natural inclination to do otherwise. Still, I am reminded 'those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed' Ü

________________

David Sedaris is coming to Manila this week!! Woohoo!! Ü

raindrops keep falling..

2006-07-20T15:12:00.000+08:00

18 July 2006
2:33pm

Today is a beautiful day. Crazy, but beautiful.

Woke up this morning praying: God, please let it be a beautiful day.

Work’s been crazy as usual, and I often find myself wondering how on earth I managed to work where I work for so long, but today not a single nagging phone call, missed appointment, or rejection from the latest Hollywood celebrity can make it any less beautiful.

Camille invited me to join her (and friends) at the park for lunch. The park not being too far away from my office, I packed my stuff, whipped out my (usually) trusty pink umbrella, and started walking.

Despite the dreary weather, I decided to walk. (Hear the pitter-patter and the spitter-spatter of the summer rain.. Lalala..)

Have I ever told you how much I love the rain? No, not the stormy, “wet”-type but the quiet, steady drizzle of rain. It is absolutely.. refreshing.

Walking along slowly (albeit whimsically) to the cacophony that is Makati traffic, I found myself gleefully splishing and splashing in the little puddles that had accumulated into random potholes.

I wore gold stillettos today, and while I normally HATE getting my toes wet and dirty, the griminess under my feet actually felt kind of therapeutic. Accustomed to being late (which we will not deal with at the moment) and in a rush, I seldom can experience walking about and just THINKING. Today was different. Not only could I think, but everything seemed to give me a heightened sense of appreciation for the “ordinary.” The raucous sound of traffic that often leaves me cringing (and wanting to migrate to a more peaceful city) was almost melodic. Every crack in the sidewalk practically looked like a work of art. Even my steps were light - it was almost like dancing.

Although I really wanted to join Camille's lunch (precisely why I left the office to begin with), a sudden “disquiet” made me turn around and head back to the office. And no sooner had I set my bag down on my chair did my cousin call and tell me to hurry home because we had an emergency.

Our condo had flooded.

What?!?

The flexible pipe (eh?) apparently had burst in the bathroom and because our bathroom rug was blocking the drainage, it had leaked out of the bathroom to flood HALF the living room and was out into the hallway.

I am grateful to the maintenance staff of our condominium. The place almost looks as if nothing happened. Haay. These are the times when I wish I had a man around the house. I swear, when the maintenance people were vacuuming the water out and mopping the floor, I just STARED.

How bizarre. Beautiful, but bizarre.

------------
Thought for the day: Kitty's right. Don't think of marriage as an ending. Ü

delirium-inspired random ranting

2006-07-17T13:38:00.000+08:00

16 July 2006
8:18pm

__________
I almost cried today at service.

There are times when praise and worship becomes so overwhelming that you lose yourself in the process - total surrender.

I remember having a conversation with Bab last week about how, when you lift your hands up in worship, it's really just between you and God. It’s an act of humility.

I used to be so self-conscious during praise and worship (whether attending or serving, alone or with company). Then I realized that, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think about of you because in God’s eyes, you will ALWAYS be a PRINCESS.

Worship today was amazing, and it was really by God's grace. The singers had a separate practice from the musicians due to some miscommunication and we were on the brink of panicking during soundcheck but God really blessed us. :) I guess that's why I almost cried. What we lacked in practice, God graced with heart.

Sina Aubrey said Dianne and I should join their worship team. Hmm.. How does this work? Archie said kasi we’re part of Jose’s team.. We haven't sung with him in a while though. I'm a little confused. I guess it doesn't matter whose team you're in naman, diba? It's your heart that matters. :)

__________
Yesterday, while singing, I had this realization: although I signed up for music ministry to serve God, it was because of music ministry that my relationship with Him has deepened. I know we're up there to help set the mood for worship, but in reality.. seeing the church sing along and lift their hands in humble praise.. THEY're the inspiring ones! :)

__________
At service, I had the chance to live out a small “dream” because I got to sing (for the first time EVER!) - alto. Woohoo! I always thought altos were COOLER than sopranos. Everyone thinks it’s cool to be a soprano but the alto part is usually more challenging. And a lot of great stage actresses are altos! Plus, I love blending down not up. I sometimes feel like a chipmunk when singing the higher harmony. I was SO HAPPY to have that chance, although it was a bit scary. My ear’s still a bit rusty because I’ve been singing melody as of late. I'm just so happy everyone was patient with me. Dianne was SUCH a blessing, helping me with the notes and being so encouraging. :)

__________
Last week, I found myself praying a lot for Archie and Jose. It may sound silly because I’m not even remotely close to either of them but I really missed their presence. They both kept popping up in my prayers. And I also realized just how much of a blessing Archie is. I mean, I appreciate him to begin with but today I realized how EASY he makes it for everybody, and he makes it seem effortless. I'm glad they’re back safe and sound. :)

On another note..

Even though I'm supposed to be part of Jose's team.. He scares the BEEJEEBIES out of me. Not because he’s scary or anything because he seems super nice and funny but I'm SUPER SHY around people I don't know very well.

Last Saturday, I got to practice a little early and ran into Aubrey, Jose and P. Julius in the hallway. Aubrey was quick to greet me (she's SUPER nice) and I just got.. FLUSTERED. I never know how to greet pastors. So I mumble a 'hello' to Aubrey and smile, this being a default expression for anything. Don't you just LOVE smiling? More people should smile and make the world a happier place. :)

Back to the story.

So I say hi to Aubrey and throw a glance towards Jose. I REALLY wanted to smile and greet him and say “Hi! We’ve missed you! Welcome back.” but he just looked so serious I decided not to interrupt their conversation more than I had to. It seems I have a nasty habit of interrupting him, not meaning to of course. It just kinda happens. Oh, dear. :( Anyway, a couple of minutes later, he drops by the band room and I manage to spill out "Welcome back!" but I don't think he hears me. Eep. One day I WILL muster up the courage to strike a decent conversation with Jose. Maybe he’ll see that I'm not such a bubble-headed “interrupter” after all. :)

Hmm.. Now that I think about it, this feels a bit like the apprehension I used to have in talking to Archie. He’s nice too.. It’s really me (can you say issues?). At least now I'm more comfy talking to him. Baby steps.

__________
I suddenly realize how lucky theater people have it. :) It's SO EASY getting to know one another when you're in a production together.. It’s almost like fast-tracking your friendships. In fact, I've met some of my bestest friends because of theater. :) It could be that in acting you have to first make yourself vulnerable to your co-actors in order to make any performance authentic (just a theory!). You can't be afraid to look stupid, so you get that over with at the onset. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Everything becomes a piece of cake after that. ;)

__________
Let you in on a little secret: I'm QUITE shy. Really. You can stop laughing now. It does seem unlikely but it’s true! :P Despite my perennially bubbly and hyperactive disposition, if you lock me in a roomful of strangers and I will be silent as a feather. It’s an insecurity I’m still trying to get over.

__________
Speaking of insecurities to get over.. Being perceived as DITZY is a MAJOR insecurity. A lot of people misinterpret my being bubbly and “babaw” as being a ditz. Maybe that's how Sharon Stone and Geena Davis feel. Not that I’m gorgeous like they are.. It’s just that they’re Hollywood staples and they’re really beautiful so people tend to think there’s little substance beneath the exterior. I AM THE BIGGEST GEEK EVER. Ask my friends.

__________
I'm slowly starting to feel comfortable with the people from church. :)

Starting to interact more with everyone, and feeling more at home. :) Opening up a little, and I'm loving choir more than ever. We just finished our first piece last Friday, and we learned Abeg is pregnant! Baby shower! :)

masking tape at the bottom of your shoe

2006-07-14T10:35:00.000+08:00

14 July 2006
1:15am

There are times when I just feel like shutting myself off from the rest of the world - being in hermit-mode, as I call it. The past few days would be a good example of that. Why? Because having some 'alone time' can be quite good for the soul. It helps put things into perspective. :)

Although I've been keeping by myself these past few days, I made an effort to go out earlier tonight and attend the fundraiser for Benjo Marquez at Capone's. It was.. STRANGE, to say the least. Because tonight, two of my worlds came together. I had almost thought the crossover was impossible. But it happened.

You see, Benjo and I go to the same church.. His sister and I sing together sometimes as part of music ministry. His sister used to teach my ex-boyfriend's sister. My ex-boyfriend's sister sometimes attends service in the same church as I do. She also helped organize tonight's fundraiser. And my ex-boyfriend's band was one of the acts lined up for the evening.

Sigh.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to get away from my past it just really creeps up on me. My ex-boyfriend seems, as I explained to Chinie, like a stubborn piece of masking tape that gets stuck on your shoe. You walk and walk and walk and hope it ceases to stick (or at the very least cling onto something else) but no matter how much you keep scuffing up that piece of tape, it follows you everywhere. Hahaha. Not that it's such a bother. ;) We're good friends, my ex and I, but it's just so BIZARRE how we keep ending up in the same places.

For a couple of hours, in the most unlikely of places, my past and present had collided. I couldn't help saying "This is so weird. This is surreal. This is so strange." over and over. I never imagined something like this to happen in a million years, save for when I get married. Past and present: Chinie, Lana, Darlene, Camille, Dianne, Randy, Rina, Mikey, Mitch, Justin, Junie, Girish, Quark, Lia, Chris, Diego, Raimund and Myrene.

The night was fun, if not a little surreal. I am so touched that sina Myrene still remember me.. They were so nice and gracious. On a side note: I FINALLY met my 'crushest' for the longest time. It was SO WEIRD. When I was still dating my ex, I always wanted to meet him - it just NEVER happened. If I didn't miss meeting him by a few minutes, he'd be there but I wouldn't get the chance. Funny how YEARS later, I would not only get to meet him.. I would almost babble like a fool doing so.

I very rarely get starstruck. No, I wasn't starstruck upon meeting him. It was really so funny, because just a couple of minutes before, I was telling Chris that I always had a crush on that guy but never got to meet him. Of course, since we were sharing the same table, when I introduced Lana I couldn't very well ignore him. So it went something like.. "Lana, this is Myrene, Raimund and.. Vinci." (Smiled at him because we were never formally introduced and yet I knew who he was.) "Eee.. See? I'm a big fan." (Hasty exit.)

Hahahaha.

It's funny how just half an hour before, Camille and I were outside catching up on 'babaw kwento,' about crushes and standards. :) Camille totally hit the right spot when she said.. It's great how, because we are happily single, we can meet past crushes and not be so affected. So true. Tonight, as I smiled while waving goodbye to 'crushest,' I didn't feel at all kilig. I was so nonchalant my reaction was unexpected.

This indifference towards crushes past (because ANOTHER big crush was there!) is fueled by two things:

I'm so in-love with God.
I've already met my 'standard.'

I tell you, neither crushest or cutie-pie crush measures much against my standard. And I'm so in-love with God I barely thought about them. That's how it is when you're in love, right? You don't see anyone else but the object of your affection. ;)

Speaking of my 'standard,' Camille asked who it was.. I told her it's a secret (as I've resolved to keep this one between me and God, so you know this is serious) but that he was still single and that I'd see him around and I admired him a lot. His singleness matters little to me, as I don't think he even realizes I'm alive (or maybe he does but it doesn't matter). Like I said, admiration doesn't always translate into a crush. I will be so happy if I manage to captivate the heart of a man who is like him. Because he's so.. SOLID. :)

How wonderful it is to fall in love with my Creator, the one who 'placed the stars in the sky and knows them by name,' the one who 'knew me even before I was born.' And how wonderful it is to know that He has amazing plans for me. Plans to give me hope and a future. Hope and a future, I know I already have. :) My preparation lies in the waiting.

2006-07-11T16:38:00.000+08:00

At the risk of looking like a siopao, here's our "Superbabes" picture. :)

2006-07-11T16:36:00.000+08:00

Proof that anyone can look dorky in 3D glasses. :P I look like I'm about to go diving or something!

today is a good day

2006-07-11T10:18:00.000+08:00

Woke up early this morning (can you believe it?!), did NOT at all rush to work, and had my all-time favorite breakfast - taho. Not the sissy chilled version, this is the warm type you get from the manong. Mm-mmm. Yummy.

Ran into a former officemate this morning, Raymund, who I have not seen in over a year. It was an unexpected encounter that left me smiling. He was always one of my favorites.. Well, the three of them: Raymund, Jon, and Master. :) I even had the honor of singing at Raymund's wedding, which was disastrous as I CANNOT sing under pressure. Plus, the song was Ikaw (the duet) which is super hard to sing. Oh, well. We tried our best. We even made up for it by eating most of their wedding cake. ;)

Despite feeling a little light-headed, I feel GREAT. So great that I even feel pretty cute. Hahahaha.

Oh, Ana, Vangie and I watched Superman at the IMAX theater last night. It was WAAAAY cool. When they showed the trailer of Happy Feet (about the cute tap-dancing penguin), I was squealing. I just wanted to grab that adorable penguin, stuff it in my purse, and take it home!

Posting pictures of us wearing our 3D glasses in a while, which reinforces my opinion that EVERYBODY looks dorky in them. :P

Speaking of Superman, I just have to say that Brandon Routh was PERFECT for the role. He possessed such striking vulnerability and strength, it was absolutely breathtaking. I enjoyed how the film was loaded with imagery (like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders and the whole "savior" thingie) and references to the original Superman movies. And Kevin Spacey's homage to Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor? Brilliant. It was well cast, with the likes of Frank Langella, Parker Posey and the guy who played Jimmy Olsen, although I was a bit taken aback by Kumar (Cal or is it Kal Penn?) appearing as some sort of evil genius or henchman and not saying a word. And the kid?! I want to set him up with Dakota Fanning. :)

Yes, today is a good day. :)

Masculin, Féminin

2006-07-10T13:46:00.000+08:00

I remember having to watch Jean-Luc Godard’s Masculin, Féminin for a film class during senior year at college. Not a bad movie, although I remember it more for its play on the male-female dynamic rather than anything else.

Of course, this entry has little to do with the film. And everything to do with my view on beautiful differences between men and women.

A little background. Here’s my current reading list –

Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliott
Not Even a Hint by Joshua Harris
Just re-read certain parts of John & Stasi Eldrege’s Captivating (I may have to read the whole thing again. The book is just so.. Enlightening)
The Geographer’s Notebook by Jon Fasman
Currently re-reading Neil Gaiman’s Brief Lives

Needless to say, I love to read. At yesterday’s service, I was geeky enough to enthusiastically raise my hand when the pastor asked who among us loved reading books. I should’ve looked around. That’s one of the pre-requisites on my ‘list.’ ;)

ANYWAY, as I said, this entry is my two cents’ worth on the whole male-female thing. Those who knew me from before can tell you that I pretty much used to be a feminist. You know – because I was so against the common perception that women are not as good as men. Of course I was wrong. To say women are not as good as men is wrong. Likewise, saying men aren’t as good as women is also wrong. Because WE ARE DIFFERENT. That is that. How can you even strive to compare the two when they are simply incomparable? That’s why we complement each other so well. :)

Having lived a great part of my life trying to debunk male chauvinism (which, if you ask me, is still wrong), I’ve done lots of scary things. Much of that still affects me today. I have become, to many, a scary b*tch. I acknowledge the fact that people are intimidated by me, although I’ve been trying hard to become more vulnerable and soft (which is not an easy task at all).

So why the shift from feminist to feminine? You see, I’ve recently awakened to the beautiful notion of reveling in one’s womanhood. As Elisabeth Elliott wrote in her book: "a jellyfish glorifies God by being a jellyfish." That really got to me. Why the heck am I trying to be something I’m not? Why can’t I just BE?

Because “times are changing,” as Destruction (of the Endless) in Neil Gaiman’s Brief Lives says. (Which is kinda why I’m reading it again.)

If you review this entire blog (please don’t), you’d probably get a good gauge on how I’ve changed as a person. Seriously. From an angst-ridden girlie-girl to someone who wants to become the woman she was made to be.

Which brings me to.. Reading Let Me Be A Woman. Ask Linny, and she’ll tell you my stand on reading the book. This is the first time that I’ll be reading it 100% willingly. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always wanted to read it, as an ‘intellectual’ exercise I guess, but to read it because I need the input, the encouragement in my journey into womanhood? (Yeah, yeah. 26 is a bit late in the game. So shoot me.) This is a breakthrough of sorts because I told Linny that I didn’t feel compelled to read it because it was mostly about marriage and that was something I felt didn’t really interest me. Hahaha. I think it was during outreach with Jay when I said something like.. “I’m so happy being gloriously single. I don’t want to get married. What if I end up one being 60 and still saying that?!” Well, no one need worry about that anymore because I feel like God’s trying to tell me something – that I’m being prepared for something bigger than myself. That I WILL get married. That, in time, THAT guy will be presented to me. I look forward to that everyday. :)

By faith, despite not even being remotely with anyone, I know I won’t be alone. I knew it three weeks ago, the moment I fell “in-love” with God. :) Not that I didn’t LOVE God, I do. Always have. But now I feel so “in-love” with God that I’m on this emotional and spiritual high that I haven’t felt in.. FOREVER. Something in me clicked (not snapped, you silly rabbit), and I knew that I was being prepared to be with someone. I believe that to love someone whole-heartedly, one has to love God first because, hello, God is love. I know it sounds cheesy to some but I really believe that. So who cares what the world thinks?!

Now, I don’t know when or where or with whom I’m being pointed towards but, by faith, it WILL happen. Still, I’ll admit it may seem silly at times (even to myself).. Like yesterday, for example, when Archie started to play “The Way You Look Tonight” on his guitar. All of a sudden I blurted out (and so completely out of character that it was quite embarrassing) “Hu-hu-hu!” which I later explained by saying “It’s one of my favorite songs. They’ll have to play that when I get married. Someday.”

Speaking of, here are other songs they’ll have to play during my wedding:

- Ben Folds’ The Luckiest (my bridal march), to be played by a CHAMBER orchestra and not a quartet. No vocals. :) The chamber can leave after that. But that HAS to be my march!
- Our Love Is Here To Stay
- That’s All
- I’m In The Mood For Love
AND, forget how overused and cheesy this song is, The Promise

Poor groom. ;) He certainly has his hands full.

Staring at the wall right in front of my desk, the verse I picked from Kitty’s wedding cake comes into focus. What an appropriate ending for this entry:

So don’t throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. (Hebrews 10:35-36)

I can’t wait.

the week that was..

2006-07-03T09:53:00.000+08:00

Some updates from last week:

- heard my baby nephew speak his first words (Da-da)
- sprained my ankle
- tried dancing on said sprained ankle
- almost got hit on the head by some drunk person who threw a bottle (what gives?!)
- went for some midnight karaoke with dee, lana, chinie, and marge :)
- attended a MOST enlightening Sunday service
- created an "evil" blog and subsequently deleted said evil blog as a result of that most enlightening service

Like I told Ana, I was so high I was babbling. :) Hahaha. Bubbly and babbling. How's that for a combination? Honestly though, I haven't attended the Sunday 5pm service in a loooong time. And the worship.. Everytime we get out there to sing for God, I am always overwhelmed by how heartfelt it is. How everyone, for a considerable amount of time, just puts aside every fear and anxiety in humble worship before the Lord. Yesterday was different though.. It felt even stronger.

I've always considered being part of Jose's team an answered prayer. :) After all, those who know me best will probably tell you this much: I'm not a very strong singer. That’s true. I'll be the first to admit that. My voice is alright, but I can name people whose voices are a gazillion times better than mine. Still, music has always played a big part in my life - whether it's playing the piano or singing in a choir, auditioning for musicals or soothing my heartbreak – and I could never be without music.

When I first started attending service (in Galleria), the praise and worship just drew me in. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be up there. If it weren’t for Linny, who was sitting next to me during Volunteer Weekend, I never would have even signed up. And despite my WORST audition for anything EVER (and I’ve had a few bad ones!), somehow God has still allowed me to serve him through music. :)

Speaking of Jose, I just really have to say that when he leads, I am always amazed at how gifted he is in drawing people to praise and worship - whether it's super early in the morning or on a "gloomy" afternoon (cuddle weather, as I like to call it). Wow..

Yesterday, we were led by Aubrey and despite a very "tense" first service (Yelly would get that. Hahaha.), the afternoon was just so.. BEAUTIFUL. Because it was one of the most heartfelt I've ever experienced. And the message after made service even more meaningful to me. It was a real wake-up call.

As for taming the tongue, yesterday’s message was just perfect. To elaborate, I’ll leave you with a few words from a really adorable bunny: “If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nuthin' at all.” :)

on a schizophrenic note..

2006-06-29T11:59:00.000+08:00

Now that I got THAT out of my system..

I just wanted to share that despite yesterday's irritation, God's really been so good to me. :) Aww.. Really. Been getting what we like to refer to as "love-notes" from Him. :)

Like yesterday, as I angrily left the office.. I was praying: "God, please make me smile today." And He did. Twice. He even made me laugh. :) He's so great. He really knows how to brighten my day.

So, in honor of Him, I'm posting the lyrics to a song I've been addicted to for the past few weeks. A song that shows me that He's so big and that my problems are oh-so-small. That's this world is beautiful and His love is too great for words. :)

Indescribable
Chris Tomlin

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

the devil in disguise

2006-06-29T11:27:00.000+08:00

Or not. I mean, seriously, if I had to wear THAT disguise I'd rather just do the horns and forked tail bit.

Obviously, I'm upset. I am SICK and TIRED of making a certain someone (who we shall call D.I. - short for the Devil Incarnate)look SMART when he's not, TIRED of giving him a semblance of CREDIBILITY, TIRED of being told my ideas are NOT worthwhile as he pitches them to his OTHER projects, TIRED of him taking credit for the stuff I come up with and being BLAMED for stuff I had NOTHING to do with.. I will NOT take this much longer.

If I could curse I would.. But I don't do that anymore. I've never used D.I. on anyone before, simply because I didn't think anyone deserves that. Except HIM. Because he IS the Devil. A manipulating, child-brainwashing degenerate. If I could only tell the children that he uses them as a commodity, that he repays their affection by using them like ATM cards. But I won't. Because I don't care anymore.

We've tried protecting them as best we could, and tried to show them the truth.. They look at him with stars in their eyes and you can't blame them because they don't know any better. The truth would be too painful, too disturbing.. They would be disheartened. Still, they refuse to KNOW and I will not take part in this awful game anymore.

I am angry because he brings out the WORST in people. Good people, those who've worked through blood, sweat and tears.. He ruins them, ruins their reputation because he CAN. Because they're so close to revealing the TRUTH. And this megalomaniac would die if that ever happened.

I may not be able to do anything about YOU.. But I WILL NOT be part of this PRETENSE any longer.

meeting my standard, letting go of my childish desires

2006-06-26T10:55:00.000+08:00

I think I've met my "standard."

Last night, after rehearsal for Sunday morning service, I joined the "angels" for drinks and dinner at Chili's. For the first time in months (or in over a year?) we were finally reunited. We weren't alone, however, as a certain male celebrity (whose name I will not mention) decided to join us for some girlish bonding.

Well he certainly got more than what he bargained for. ;p

As the evening wore on and cocktails flowed, after grilling my "granny" on her love life, we began talking about mine and granny's LIST. You know, that list of standards for meeting THAT person, God's GIFT, that everyone ought to keep. We probably spent a third of the evening debating on the topic of keeping a list. And defending our singlehood. Apparently our new friend finds it inconceivable to be a single, happy female. He believes that one cannot be complete without being with that special someone. On a religious AND philosophical point of view, I couldn't be more opposed.

This guy must be a fan of Jerry Macguire. (While I love that movie, I disagree with the whole "You complete me" notion.) I love Cameron Crowe but I think people have unwittingly misread the concept of finding THAT person because of that line. While beautiful, lyrical, and poetic (which I'm certain has had many hearts a-flutter) I firmly believe that we can never find fulfillment in another human being. Our happiness is not dependent on our romantic state. And happy singleness does not mean you're just CONTENT. Happiness is being more than content.

I am HAPPY because I know that I am MEANT to be single right now. Because I know God is preparing me to meet THE ONE. I am single because I'm not yet READY to be with someone. But I'm getting there. :)

By faith I know that soon I will relinquish my singlehood. :) Strangely, there is this feeling that I am being distracted but I know I am pursuing this preparation. It is difficult, guarding your heart, and I will readily admit that I'm not always successful. But now I have something to look forward to.

I am encouraged because I just realized that I have already met my "standard."

He is so.. INSPIRING. To me, he is such a MAN. Most of all, when I am near him I can't help but admire him. He has the capacity to both awe and frighten me.

In philosophy we discussed MYSTERIUM TREMENDUM ET FASCINANS. He evokes that of me (at least the 'fascinans' part), just like how religion evokes the same in all of us, that is, a feeling that is both great and terrible (bear in mind that in philosophy "terrible" is not a negative term) that I am drawn to him. He intimidates me and I am NOT easily intimidated by anyone. Or anything.

I've met so many "manly" men before but none of them have ever made me stop and think.. "Wow. This guy is amazing. I wish I could meet someone like him." I admire his honesty, his frankness, his braveness and his determination to stand up for himself.

The funny thing is, I've never really met a guy who I can just admire. I've had numerous crushes, fallen "in-love" a couple of times, but never just met someone who I really truly admire. This isn't a crush. It's ADMIRATION. If he is but a glimpse of what God is preparing me for, I really do have something to be excited about. :)

By revealing this person, this man, God is showing me that I am no longer a "baby." I am a WOMAN. Observing this man, seeing his maturity, it makes me want to give up the follies of my youth and be the woman God intended me to be. Maybe not for HIM (my standard) per se, but for the man he hints at, the man who is meant for me. :)

For the past few days, I've been plagued with the thought of being "old." I'm already 26, after all. The last thing I want to be is one of those people who pretend they're younger than they really are. Now, I DON'T MEAN acting your age. It's refusing to acknowledge that you are old enough to be mature about certain things. I have great respect for people who possess and revel in their "inner child" but I have no tolerance for people who act like children.

I've never felt such a strong desire to be a WOMAN, the woman God has intended for me to be. So say goodbye to the 6-year old Chiko and hello to the 26-year old who may have the disposition of a woman but the heart of a child.

2006-06-19T14:07:00.000+08:00

nephew & nephew: owie and david :)

the hardest thing you'll ever have to learn

2006-06-14T15:43:00.000+08:00

"The hardest thing you'll ever have to learn is how to say goodbye."
- from the mini-series "Taken"

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye.

Silly, isn’t it? How a word (or two if you’re anal) can evoke such a strange feeling of awkwardness in a person. I’ve had “good” goodbyes, and bad ones, quite a number of awkward ones, and a little bit of some erased by inebriation.

Some examples:

- Coming home from Graduation Ball (not mine but his!), only to find that my date apparently liked me. How? The more than a dozen long-stemmed red roses (I have a strong distate for red roses. White ones are a lot prettier. Why don’t they every get that?!) stuffed in the trunk of his car, the teddy bear reading a book (whose meaning only came to mind YEARS later, talk about being slow), and the card were quite blatant. So before he could say a word, I dashed to the gate. Cue: hurried (and HARRIED) goodbye. Wrong timing, my dear. You had your chance. ;)

- My first date with my first boyfriend. Because I knew he was going to tell me he liked me. I couldn’t handle it. Poor boy. As I walked away and bid him goodnight, he got the impression I didn’t feel the same way. Eep.

- After being brought home by a friend who’s quite.. Lusty, let’s just say. I was so scared he was going to try something (he already was in public!). Grabbed the door handle soon as I could as hastily called out a goodbye.

- Anytime I am alone in a car with a guy. WHY? Because apparently I give off a “flirty” vibe. I always afraid that I give them the wrong impression. And I do have a lot of guy friends, many of whom have given me lifts home.

I know what you’re thinking. I’m a priss who has yet to learn to be comfortable with me. BUT I AM. It’s the car thing. Maybe there’s lack of oxygen in that little enclosed space. I don’t know. It just gets me everytime. And today I must say the dreaded word. Twice.

- Today is Reg's birthday. Happy 28th. :) I miss you.

At precisely midnight (Chiko-time, of course), I called Reg to wish him a beautiful birthday. Then came the dreaded "goodbye." Calling long-distance doesn’t really leave you with the “stammer-and-prolong” option. So the incoming call on the other end was a welcome interruption. Whew.

- Also today, Mico, my last "fun" friend, officially leaves to become an expat. In Laos.

I must admit that this “goodbye” will prove to be more difficult. (Flashback: Reg’s despedida, where tables and tables – I kid you not – were bawling. Incidentally, he has returned twice every year since.) I suppose it’s harder because he’s been my constant friend since college. We’re not super-close or anything, but he’s always just been there. Like stars. You know, they’re always just up there and you can’t see them all the time but you know that when you look up they’ll be right there.

ANYWAY, it gets difficult because he’s my last “fun” friend. Meaning, I can drag him to hang out and not expect him to be corny or sleepy or not-game. Everyone else has grown up: got married, had children, got serious with work, got a boyfriend. You name it. At 26 years old, it’s not exactly hard to imagine why. And as the only deliriously happy single girl left, I need to have “fun” friends. So there.

Maybe I’m not really afraid of saying goodbye to people. Maybe what I’m really afraid of is intimacy. Or losing my singlehood. Or leaving my comfort zones. Now THAT’S hard.

2006-05-25T12:11:00.000+08:00

friday night at mezze. before everybody else got wasted and i was one of the sober few.

the time between meeting and finally leaving

2006-05-24T18:12:00.000+08:00

Is sometimes called "falling in love." (Lisa Loeb)

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try and guard your heart, you just fall. If you’re lucky enough (or truly blessed), you are loved in return. If not, well.. Perhaps you know how that feels.

Sometimes, when your heart breaks, you almost feel physically incapable of breathing. You feel the silent squeeze of your lungs as they try to crush your heart; your poor heart beginning to feel cold as it follows this unbearable suffocation.

Sometimes you want something so bad even if you’re not meant to have it, and that’s the definition of lust.

Sometimes you have to give up something you want so much in hope of something better (hence the “marshmallow theory”). Even if you acknowledge this and you decide to follow it (despite your heart telling you otherwise), it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to.

Then again, that’s why you give it up. Because you’re hoping for something far better – something more than table scraps and leftovers. You risk the pain because you know you’re worth more than that. That you are a princess. That you are meant to be pursued and not the other way ‘round. That anything less is unworthy of your time. And your tears.

But that doesn't stop them from falling anyway.

friday night out

2006-05-13T11:55:00.000+08:00

The summary of which would be:

Wine Buffet at EDSA Shang
Unhealthy food and drinks at Pier One, Fort
Erratic 80's dancing at Jill's

But it sure was FUN!!

Special mention goes to Quark, who was nice enough not to make TOO much fun of me, Mark who looked REALLY good with his new hair and double-shirt (I hope he doesn't burn it because we all think he really looked great last night), Dee who almost missed us because of Globe's 3G network problem, Tinton who refused to even STEP on the dance floor, and Mico who literally came and went (but danced nonetheless). :)

I guess being 26 isn't so bad after all. :)

2006-05-13T11:51:00.000+08:00

Pier One. :) It's a shame they'd already eaten.

2006-05-13T11:50:00.000+08:00

Right out of a horror movie. Grossly oily. I look like a psycho! :)

2006-05-13T11:49:00.000+08:00

Ewww..

2006-05-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

Quark and Mark. Hey, that rhymes!

2006-05-13T11:46:00.000+08:00

Mikey, Apol and Tinton

2006-05-13T11:40:00.000+08:00

Dee, me, Monix, Ate Yollie and Rose. Someone's a little huggy tonight, don't you think? :P

2006-05-13T11:39:00.000+08:00

Babits and Graham.

2006-05-13T11:37:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Jill's.

2006-05-13T11:36:00.000+08:00

Hahaha. Dr. Jenny, Junie and Dr. Buse.

2006-05-13T11:35:00.000+08:00

With Mickey. :P

2006-05-13T11:34:00.000+08:00

Hahaha. Must've really gotten into it. Poor Babs looks scared.

2006-05-13T11:32:00.000+08:00

Check out those moves. Way to go, Bab.

2006-05-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

Another one for the books. Poor Junie..

2006-05-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

Tickle Me Junie. Available in stores today.

2006-05-13T11:29:00.000+08:00

80's dancing at Jill's. I swear, when you're dancing to Borderline and Rock With You, you really don't care that you're all hot and sweaty and getting smooshed by complete strangers. That's Dr. Joey to my left (yes, she's a doctor!) and Mikey to the right.

2006-05-13T11:28:00.000+08:00

Why so sad? No idea. Maybe because we knew I was going to look bad in this picture.

from tali with a bottle of jose

2006-05-13T11:17:00.001+08:00

Cuervo, that is. ;)

And never again. Plus I have the burn marks to prove it. Then again, what do you expect when your dinner table looks more like a bar (and by no means a small one), or that more than one half of your food budget gets allotted to liquor. Debauchery ensued, yes, but there was lots of bonding too. :)

Note to self: don't count on college friends to take care of you while drunk. Hahaha. Were they shocked? Yes. Did they help? No. C'est la vie.

2006-05-13T11:17:00.000+08:00

The Tali "Bagets" picture. :) That was fun.

2006-05-13T11:11:00.000+08:00

Stalley and Jeff. :) Aww..

2006-05-13T11:10:00.000+08:00

Our boys. Nice shot. And I don't remember this being taken because I was already pretty sloshed by then. Yep. Early, huh? Oh, well.

2006-05-13T11:06:00.000+08:00

There are no words to explain this picture.

2006-05-13T11:05:00.000+08:00

Our "trust fall" exercise. Yeah, they caught me. They promptly dropped me right after. It's all good. :)

2006-05-13T11:03:00.000+08:00

Check out my cute pink "adult swim ring." And they said it would be useless.

2006-05-13T11:01:00.000+08:00

The beautiful Tali sunset (as taken by Mark). Which I missed because I kinda blacked out. You know why. ;)

2006-05-13T11:00:00.000+08:00

Them cliff-divers, I tell ya..

2006-05-13T10:59:00.000+08:00

The Cliff. Where I downed half a bottle of tequila drinking to every freakin' person who jumped. Every TIME they jumped.

2006-05-13T10:55:00.000+08:00

The view from the beach house we stayed it. Actually, it was more than just a view. If you go down the garden, you'll already find yourself in the beach.

2006-05-13T10:54:00.000+08:00

4 boys sleeping under the stars (Mico, Mikey, Tinton and Mark). Hahaha. Some "brokeback" action there, I tell ya. :P

pictures from kitty and p. rico's wedding

2006-05-13T10:49:00.000+08:00

FINALLY. I'm uploading pics from Kitty and Pastor Rico's wedding last April 24. Now THAT was a beautiful wedding. :) It left me with something to hope for. :)